


Self-loathing

by Random_Quality



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Cutting, Eating Disorders, Gay Sex, Happy Ending, Homophobia, M/M, Misunderstandings, Oblivious, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, everyone is really oblivious on what is happening, kendall is a little messed up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-13
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-02-12 23:22:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 25,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2128299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random_Quality/pseuds/Random_Quality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kendall's life seems to turn upside down in a blink of an eye. And he's just not sure how to cope with the suddenness of it all. "I don't know what to do." Has become his life's motto.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kendall seriously didn't want to be here. You're probably wondering why. Well, it's because James and Carlos were sharing the same lounge chair and were currently sucking each others' face off. Now you're probably wondering why Kendall wouldn't want to be there. That one was easy. He was in love with James. So now, the question is, why would James be flaunting his relationship with Carlos in front of Kendall if he knew that? Thing is, no one knew that little piece of information.

So, here he was, lounging around the Palms Woods pool, wanting nothing more than to find a razor and end it all.

Yup. That's what it seemed to have come to.

It hadn't started that way. At first, Kendall'd been perfectly fine with loving James from afar, because he thought he had no chance, James was straight. He would get over it eventually. But then, James and Carlos had decided to come out together and tell everyone that they had been dating for the better part of three months.

That was the first blow.

Can you imagine how much it hurt to find out that the best friend you've been in love with for over two years, was in fact gay too and dating another one of your best friends? That you had a chance, but realize that if he'd liked you back, you'd be the one coming out with him? James didn't want him. Even when Kendall did have a chance, James would have still not have wanted him. Now in all fairness, no one knew that Kendall wanted James, but no one knew that Carlos had wanted James either. So really, it still was the same. James didn't want him period. And that hurt, more then he can possibly describe.

When they came out, he'd acted supportive and understanding, gave them the normal 'You're still the same person' speech. When really all he wanted to do was burst into heart wrenching sobs, but Kendall Knight didn't do that. He was strong, showed no weakness, didn't burden others with his problems, so he locked those feelings away and smiled. Because honestly, he was happy for them, he wanted them to be happy, even if it prevented him from being happy too. His mom was supportive too, giving the ol' 'I'll always love you like a son' speech and topping it off with a hug and kiss to the forehead.

Then came the second blow.

He'd decided, since James and Carlos came out and his mom had taken it so well, that he would come out as well. And that's what he did two day's later. Although, he didn't want to tell his mom the same time he told the guys and Katie. It was his mom, she should know first. He sat her down and told her, but instead of the loving supportive mother James and Carlos got he got a 'Did James and Carlos influence this?'. He'd been utterly confused, explaining to her that he'd known it since the seventh grade (leaving out the part that he was deeply in love with James) and Carlos and James had nothing to do with it (which was true, he learned he was gay, before he learned he was in love with James).

She'd stared at him blankly, then turned away and said the words that started the downward spiral of his life. "You are no longer my son. You're dead to me. I'm not going to kick you out, but I will no longer acknowledge you are even here. Good bye Kendall." And she walked out without a backward glance. Apparently it was okay, as long as it wasn't her son.

He'd wanted to cry then too, but he didn't. 'Cause that's not what he does. But recently, he wasn't sure who he was anymore.

The final blow was when he realized he had no one to talk to.

His mom wanted nothing to do with him, Logan was wrapped up in Camille, James was wrapped up in Carlos and Carlos wrapped up in James, Katie was too young, and Jo…he didn't even know anymore. She'd changed since the move back. She wasn't the Jo that left three years ago. He had truly loved her and probably would have been able to live a happy life with her, but not anymore.

You're probably thinking, why doesn't he just tell the guys anyway? Well like he said before. Logan was wrapped up in Camille. Nothing could faze that. And if he told James and Carlos, he just knew he'd mess up and spill that he was in love with James. And that could pan out in very different directions.

One: James likes him back. Consequences: He loses Carlos.

Two: James completely rejects him, but is okay with it. Consequences: Awkward friendship with both Carlos and James. And in his current state of mind, the rejection would kill him.

Three: James completely rejects and hates him. Consequences: He loses both and it'd kill him.

Four: James likes him, Carlos is fine with it. Consequences: James getting shunned by his mom. He doesn't want to put James through that pain. It would be the equivalent of losing a parent.

Five: James rejects him and hates him, Carlos gets mad at James for breaking his heart and they break up. Consequences: He loses James.

So yeah, he's pretty much fucked. And after realizing all of this, he went to the only thing he could think of to end the pain

His razor.

He's used it before. When his dad was around to personally torture him. Which, if he thinks about it, was probably the first blow, but whatever, he was fucked up. He'd also taken to going to gay bars and finding the nearest hot guy (or girl, if they were both drunk enough) to fuck.

Okay let's recap! He had been abused by his father when he was younger, he was gay and in love with his best friend, said best friend was dating/in love (he wasn't quite sure on that one, never stuck around long enough to know if they've said it to each other) with his other best friend, his mother hated him, he was cheating on his girlfriend with random dudes at a gay bar, he cut, he probably had signs of a beginning alcoholic, and to top it all off, he couldn't tell anyone. And not once has he cried.

He didn't need a therapist to know that he was fucked beyond repair.

He got up suddenly, knocking over James' blue smoothie as he did.

"Dude!" James yelled, picking up what was left in the cup.

"Sorry." Kendall mumbled. He walked away without another glance at James and Carlos and headed to the BTR mobile. Before he made it out of the lobby and to the parking lot, he took out his razor that he kept in his wallet and headed to the lobby bathroom. He quickly checked the stalls and locked the door. He walked over to the sink and took off the bracelets that covered his wrists, reveling bandage underneath. He took them off carefully, planning to use them after he was done, they where fresh from this morning and none of the cuts from yesterday had broken, so they where clean. He brought the razor to one wrist and cut into the still healing flesh. He hissed in a mixture of pain and pleasure, the pain in his heart seemed to lighten somewhat. He made another mark on the same wrist, then set the razor down and watched as the bright red liquid flowed out of the cut and onto the sink. Letting the numbing feeling wash over him.

He smiled sadly, quickly cleaning the cuts and the razor. He replaced the bandage and the razor and walked back out to the car. As he drove he thought about the first time he had cut. It was from the pain of knowing that he didn't have a father that loved him. He chuckled bitterly, that didn't matter anymore. He realized long ago, that he didn't need the man in his life anyway.

But now, he thought as he pulled up and parked at the deserted beach, cutting the engine and looking out over the ocean from his car, that pain doesn't compare to what he felt now. His mother hated him, James would never want nor love him, Carlos would hate him eventually for being in love with James, Logan didn't care about him, Katie probably would hate him too, Jo flat out used him. Nothing could compare to feeling of pain that overwhelmed him now.

And finally, he let himself cry.


	2. Chapter 2

Kendall stumbled into his and James' room later that night. He wasn't drunk. He just drank enough to help him forget and find a hot guy to fuck. It's not like anyone cared. He'd received no text massages or calls from any of his friends. His mom he knew didn't give a flying fuck anymore so he didn't expect one from her, but he had hoped to get one from any of his so called best friends. He groaned when his knee hit the side of the door as it opened.

"Kendall?" Crap, James was up.

"Hey, yeah. Sorry, I woke you up." He said, trying to feel his way through the dark. He heard shuffling and suddenly light flooded the room. He cringed as it made his head throb painfully, maybe he drank a little more than he thought.

"Where were you? It's almost one in the morni-is that a hickey?"

Kendall's hand flew to his neck automatically. "I was with Jo." He lied easily…wait maybe it wasn't completely a lie. He thinks the guy that was ramming into him earlier was named Jo…or was it Richard?

"That's bull…Are you drunk?" James gasped.

Kendall growled, more at his shirt when it wouldn't come off, than at James. "What? Is it pry into Kendall's business day?" He asked, chucking the shirt to a random place in the room and working on his pants.

James frowned. "No…I was just worried. So was your mom."

Kendall couldn't help but laugh bitterly at that. "Yeah right." It figures that she would act worried so no one would grow suspicious. He succeeded in taking the rest of his cloths of, excluding his underwear. He went over and crawled into his bed. "Don't worry about it James. I'm fine. Go back to sleep." He sighed as the cool sheets soothed his aching and battered body, falling asleep almost instantly.

James' frown deepened. He watch the blond sleep for a little while, before turning the light off and laying back down. His worry about Kendall never leaving him, even as he drifted back to sleep.

Kendall groaned loudly as he woke up, his head didn't hurt that bad, but it still hurt. He flopped on his back and ran a hand through his hair. Ugh he needed a shower. He threw his covers off and swung his legs over the side of the bed, taking note that James wasn't in the other bed. It's not like he would be anyway. He had a boyfriend to wake up early for.

Kendall grumbled at his own thought. Making his way to the bathroom, he closed the door and sighed. He knew he was depressed. It was an easy enough thing to identify. But he just…didn't know what to do about it. He wasn't going to kill himself. Despite being constantly tired of the sadness, grief, and self loathing, he doesn't. He couldn't do that to Katie or the guys, because they didn't know what was going on and it wouldn't be fair. But he was sick of it, the pain he constantly felt in his chest. He was sick of the persistent burn in his arms and the twitch in his fingers when he needed to cut. It was slowly driving him crazy.

He held back a sob as he pushed himself off the door. He turned the shower on and went back to the sink. He opened the mirror and grabbed the razor hidden behind medicine bottles and James' hair products, also grabbing pain killers to take for his headache. He took the pain killers dry and then grabbed the razor. He took off the used bandages and threw them away. He looked down at his marred skin and sighed, one arm had too many cuts. He switched hands and brought the razor to his other wrist, he felt almost relieved as the pain washed over him, clearing his head. He pulled the razor over his arm a few more time, before cleaning the razor and putting it back and stepped into the shower, hissing as the water cleaned the wound.

He washed quickly, bandaged his cuts, and dressed. He ruffled his wet hair as he walked out to the living room and felt his heart squeeze tightly at what he saw. James and Carlos were making out heavily on the couch. "Boys. You know I don't mind you showing affection for each other, but tune it down." His mother said from the kitchen.

Carlos and James, pulled apart, blushing madly. "Sorry, Mama Knight." They mumbled.

She smiled at them. "It's alright, boys. I'm happy your comfortable with who you are."

Kendall felt tears prick the back of his eyes. Why couldn't she be like that with him? Why could she accept them but not him, her own son? He shook his head and blinked back the tears. Whatever, he didn't care anymore. Walking over to the kitchen, he made himself a bowl of cereal (His mom never cooked for him anymore so he had to either make his own food or go without, usually the latter) and sat next to Logan, who was engrossed in a book. He ate quietly, watching as James and Carlos joined them at the table and started to chat around him. He felt so out of place. He felt like he didn't even know his friends anymore.

Well, he didn't know himself anymore either, so he guessed not knowing your friends anymore also comes with the self loathing package.

He looked down at his cereal, playing with the contents inside. He wasn't really that hungry. "Kendall?" Logan said, knocking him out of his daze.

"W-What?" He asked head shooting up.

"You okay?" He asked raising a eyebrow. Kendall had to force himself to not roll his eyes. Like he cared.

"Yeah, fine. Just tired." He said, faking a smile.

Logan opened his mouth but was interrupted by his phone vibrating. Kendall knew immediately that it was Camille by the way his eyes light up. And like every time Camille does anything, Logan is now deaf to everything but to whatever Camille is doing. Kendall frowned and quickly got up, putting his dish in the sink and heading to the door.

"Where are you going?" James asked. Kendall sighed. What was with the sudden interest in his life? He never cared before. "We need to be at Rocque Records in an hour." And there it was. Caring about their careers more than they cared about him.

"Don't get your panties in a bunch. I'll be there." He said without turning around. He opened the door and walked out, slamming it behind him.

"WHERE IS HE!?" Gustavo screamed.

The three boys sighed. "We don't know."

"How could you not know! Isn't he the leader…or something?"

"Yeah, I don't see how that has to do with anything."

"The leader stays with the pack!" Gustavo yelled.

They sighed and sat on the couch, James pulling Carlos closer as he spoke. "I'm sure he'll be here any second. Be pat-" A loud crash cut him off.

"Shit. Gustavo! I broke one of the guitars on the wall!" Kendall yelled, coming around the corner holding said guitar. "Why is it on the wall anyway? They're built to be played, not set out for decoration."

The three boy's on the couch saw Gustavo twitch. "Harmonies! 2 hours! NOW!"

Kendall shrugged, dropping the guitar and heading to the sound booth. "Whatever." Four mouths dropped simultaneously. Did Kendall just…obey?

Kelly walked in, looking at her black berry, then looked up and stopped. "Did…I…miss something?"

Gustavo snapped out of it. "Just my amazing, dog training skills! Rest of you! MUSH!"

They scrambled to the recording booth, finding Kendall texting someone on his phone. James frowned, glancing over at Carlos, who caught his eye and nodded over to Kendall. Good he noticed it too.

James had noticed recently that Kendall's demeanor had changed. It seemed darker. And Kendall's habits have changed too. He spent more time in the bathroom, ate less (James noticed that yesterday night), was quieter, stayed out longer only to come home smelling of alcohol and sex, and like just a minute ago, he didn't fight back against Gustavo much anymore. He was changing. And he didn't know why.

What was happening to his Kendall?


	3. Chapter 3

Kendall immediately walked out of the sound booth as soon as Gustavo let them. Being that close to James was seriously messing with his mind and body. He quickly walked to the bathroom and into an open stall. Locking the door behind him, he lowered the lid and sat on the toilet. He just needed some time to calm down and focus on not throwing up. He wasn't anorexic or had any eating disorders, (seemed like the only thing not wrong with him) but because he had eaten breakfast this morning when his body wasn't used to eating this early, along with watching James and Carlos making googly eyes at each other, had made him sick to his stomach.

He took deep, calming breaths, forcing his stomach to stay were it was. Just because he didn't have an eating disorder, didn't mean he didn't have troubled keeping the food down. When his mom disowned him, she also stopped cooking for him, only making enough to feed the guys, Katie, and herself. He ate very little during dinner, so the others would have plenty, then he only ate during dinner so no one would get suspicious. He'd never really learned to cook, and when he did, he was terrible at it, so sometimes dinner was the only meal he ate. And then that was only a little, not enough for a growing teenage boy. So like he said, when he ate breakfast today his body wasn't used to getting more than one helping of food, if that, a day. It had trouble digesting the new food. Okay so maybe he did have an eating disorder, but it wasn't of his own doing or because he thought himself fat and/or ugly, he just didn't get to eat like he normally should, and when he did it was little.

So right now he was having trouble keeping his food down.

The door to the bathroom opened and he froze. "Kendall?" He heard James call. Shit. Why was James looking for him all the sudden? He never even noticed (or cared) when he disappeared to the bathroom before.

"Yeah?" He croaked.

"Are you okay?" Why the sudden worry? Is what he really wanted to say, but then he'd give himself away.

"Yeah. Just an upset stomach. I'll be fine." He said. Hey, that was the actual truth! First time he told James something completely true in months.

"Oh…Do you ne-"

"James! I need you!" Carlos yelled, cutting off James mid sentence. There was a thud when the door to the bathroom hit the wall and then another thud as something hit the door to his stall.

Kendall looked down and saw James and Carlos' shoes. From the positions, it looked like Carlos had slammed James against the door and was most likely engaging him in a fierce kiss.

Kendall pulled his legs to his chest. Where they really going to do that with him right behind the door? A loud moan echoed through the room and in his head. It came from James. Kendall buried his head between his knees.

He didn't want to here this. Was the universe so against him, that it would force him to hear his best friend and secret love have sex against a door right in fucking front of him?

The moans from James were making his body react and breaking his already shattered heart. He wanted to cry again. James and Carlos were one of the main causes of his pain and they where about to rub their happiness in his face.

He wished he had his razor. The pain would not only distract him, but help the pain that felt like it was ripping his heart out fade, if only for a moment. But, for some odd reason, he left it at the apartment.

They both moaned this time and Kendall whimpered quietly. James had just been talking to him, he knew he was there. Kendall's shoulders shook with suppressed sobs and his eyes squeezed shut to force the tears back. He was right fucking here! Right behind the damned door! They'd not even bothered to make sure that they were alone, James even knew they weren't fucking alone.

Kendall got up, suddenly angry. He wasn't going to sit there and listen to the fucking happy-go-luck-the-world-is-sunshine's-and-rainbows couple fuck against a fucking bathroom fucking door!

He pushed against the door, but of course it didn't move. The damned fuck bunny assholes that are his supposed best friends where about to fuck against it. Now he was pissed beyond thinking limit.

He growled. "Guys, I'm right here."

He heard a squeak and the door flew open, to reveal a sheepish looking James and a confused looking Carlos. "Sorry, dude. Forgot you were there." James laughed nervously.

And just like that, with that one simple sentence, all his anger was gone, replaced by the deep depression he's been in for months. But now he had the words 'Forgot you were there' to add on to it. Of course he did, because no one cared.

Kendall averted his eyes and walked past. "S'Fine." He mumbled. "I'll distract Gustavo so you can finish. H-Have fun." He said, mentally slapping himself for letting his voice waver. Hopefully they didn't hear it.

"Kendall…is there something wrong?" They said, in perfect sync. They all used to be like that, in perfect sync, but now he was the outcast. He didn't know them or himself any more.

Kendall turned around and smiled. "Yeah…just annoyed about dealing with Gustavo. I'll hold him off as long as I can, so make it quick." And he would, because despite the self-loathing and hatred they seem to cause him, he never blamed them for it. When it came down to it, it wasn't their fault. He was screwed up to begin with.

With one last forced smile he left the bathroom to do as he said, missing the concerned looks James and Carlos gave each other as he left.


	4. Chapter 4

Finally Gustavo let them leave for the day. Kendall had done what he said he would and distracted Gustavo but landed him with an extra two hours of dance rehearsal.

"We're really sorry, man." Carlos apologized for the millionth time, looking at Kendall with guilty, sorry eyes. "We shouldn't have let you cover for us."

Kendall smiled at the Latino. A part of him hated Carlos, but even though it was an incredibly small part of him. He didn't blame Carlos for falling for James and James falling for Carlos, it wasn't their faults. Just like it wasn't Kendall's for falling for the same pretty boy Carlos fell for. But that didn't stop the violent flip of his stomach when James wrapped an arm around Carlos' shoulders. "Don't worry about it 'Los."

"But-" Carlos started, but James cut him off.

"Come on Carlos. We don't want to get Gustavo angry and we all get extra rehearsal hours. We'll see you later Ken." He said, clapping Kendall on the shoulder with his free hand. He gave Kendall one last smile before leading Carlos out the recording studio.

Kendall watched them leave with a heavy heart. He'd never get used to watching those two together. He could barley stand watching Logan fawn over Camille and that was just because Logan had someone and Kendall didn't. Speaking of which, Logan didn't even give him a good bye before leaving to meet with Camille for a date. He sighed as the familiar feeling of heart break and hopelessness flooded through him, making his wrist itch and fingers twitch for the blade he left at home.

He walked into Gustavo's office after regaining control over his emotions, so Gustavo could see that he didn't bail. "I'm heading to the dance studio now." He said softly.

Gustavo grunted dismissively. Kendall turned back around to walk out of the room. "Kendall." Gustavo said suddenly, stopping Kendall dead in his tracks. The blond had never heard Gustavo's voice like that, concerned, worried, and something else that he couldn't just place. "I'm only going to give you an hour. I know you covered for Carlos and James. You did still aggravate me, but…" He trailed off. "Are you okay?"

Kendall didn't turn around, because if he did, he's sure Gustavo would see something he didn't want him to see. So instead, he just nodded and exited the room to head to the dance studio.

Kendall collapsed on the orange couch face first with a relieved sigh. He was exhausted, hungry, and sore. But he couldn't do anything about it. His mom never bought enough groceries for him anymore. And he was too sore to get up…maybe he could fall asleep on the couch.

He hated this.

Always being hungry, always hurting, always in pain. But again, he couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't leave because that would come with questions he didn't want or was ready to answer. And he already said he wasn't going to kill himself. So he was stuck.

Fucking fantastic.

"Kendall? What are you doing here? Don't you have, like, another hour?" Came James' voice. Well fuck. The last person he wanted to see.

He turned his head so he could speak. "Yeah, Gustavo had mercy on me. Decided to only give me an hour. Doesn't matter though, still sore as fuck." Kendall groaned.

He heard James laugh. The sound making his traitorous heart swell. "I bet!" He heard shuffling and James' feet appeared in his line of vision. "Want a massage?"

And damn it! Why?! Just…why? "N-No!" He squeaked, then cleared his throat. "I mean, I'm fine James. I don't need one."

Suddenly James' weight was on him. The brunet straddled his waist, sitting down on the back of Kendall's thighs. "Yeah right! You can barley move." James stated matter-of-factly.

"I can too!" Kendall protested, moving his arms under himself to push up, but his muscles screamed in protest. "Okay, maybe not…but that doesn't mean I need a massage!"

He felt and heard James chuckle, the brunets hands starting to smooth over Kendall's back and shoulders. "Thought so. And get over it! I'm giving you a massage!" He said beginning to work Kendall's back.

Kendall's protest came out as an embarrassingly loud moan as his back began to relax. James' hand were amazing. He had this weird knack for massages, coupled with classes James voluntarily took to perfect it, he could make anyone putty in his hands. Kendall was no exception. The only thing, though, Kendall was in love with James.

James was so close and his hands were roaming almost all over his body. This was a bad, bad, bad, bad, idea. That being confirmed by the growing problem between his legs. But again James' hands where amazing, so he wasn't really in the right state of mind to care at the moment. It's been too long since the pain was almost nonexistent. And it felt wonderful.

He couldn't stop the string of grateful, pleasured moans from spilling from his mouth. His half hard member making itself known when James pushed down on his hips, involuntarily pressing Kendall's erection against the couch harder. The blond bit his lip, to keep that particular moan of pleasure from coming out.

He gripped onto the side of the couch slightly. Whatever James was doing was causing his hips to repeatedly rub against the couch. He bit his lip harder, forcing himself not to buck into the couch for more friction. "Damn, Kendall. You're lower back is so tense." James commented. Kendall just grunted. He was torn between never wanting this to end and dieing from embarrassment. "This is going to hurt." James whispered right before pain shot up his spin.

"Oh fuck." Kendall gasped, head thrown back. The pain that shot through him was both painful and pleasurable. He bucked forward and his dick throbbed. So he was a masochist…it really didn't surprise him. Luckily James just took the action as a flinch of pain.

"Sorry." James said, massaging the reaming pain away. Kendall just nodded, not trusting his voice. He was now propped up in his elbow with his forehead between. He concentrated on trying to get his damn hard dick to go away. Which was hard when it kept getting rubbed against the couch.

Suddenly there was a chuckle. "Should I be jealous?" Came an amused voice. He felt James shift slightly, but never removed his hands form his body.

"No, it's your fault Kendall's like this to begin with. Think of it like pay back." He heard James say.

There was a pause as Carlos walked closer. "My fault?"

"Yeah, if you hadn't jumped me in the bathroom, Kendall wouldn't have had to cover for us." James said flatly.

Carlos gasped in offense. "I did not jump you!"

Kendall gritted his teeth. Did they always have to do this with him in the room? It was like they were trying to torture him. Well at least his erection was softening.

SMACK.

And it's back. Yup, defiantly a masochist. Just fantastic. Fucking fantastic.

He hated his life, so much.

"Kendall! I asked you a question!" James scolded.

Kendall forced back his moan when James slapped his ass and forced himself to talk. "W-What?"

He heard James sigh and Carlos chuckle. "I asked if you felt any better."

"Oh, yeah. Lots. Thanks. I think I can move again. Did you really have to smack me?" He asked. His dick throbbed when James hand slapped his ass again. Just the constant rubbing and James smacking him had him at the edge.

"Yup!" He felt James get off him and he felt disappointed wash through him. "Welp! That should do it! Consider that a thanks for helping Carlos and I out." James said.

"Come on, James. He looks tired." He heard this sucking sound, heart sinking when he recognized it as kissing. "Lets go to my room." Carlos said huskily.

Either James was whisked off before he could reply or James just hurried off to the room with out a reply, because soon he was alone with a painfully hard erection. He bit back a groan when he shifted and it rubbed against the couch again. It felt so good and suddenly he was imagining James was under him rather than the couch.

He bit his lips and rocked his hips slowly against the cushion. He imagined he was grinding into James' dick. That James was moaning beneath his name and not Carlos'. His rocking became faster, rubbing his throbbing cock against the couch harder. He gasped and moaned quietly, hands fisting his own hair his hips moving faster and faster, until he was dry humping the couch and the image of James. He shook from the pleasure as it coursed through him, biting his lip as he rocked. His member throbbed with want and he spread his legs wider for better leverage.

Suddenly he shuddered violently. Spilling his seed into his pants, with a quite moan of James' name. Tears slipped out of his eyes and slid down his cheeks, as he came down from his high, until he was sobbing.

He was so far gone.

He was lost.

He was broken.

And the one person that could save him, didn't even care.

He was so fucked.


	5. Chapter 5

It's been about a week since Kendall covered for James and Carlos and got the extra hour of dance, resulting in a massage from James. Currently, James was cuddled up with Carlos on the couch. One arm slung over the edge as the Latino rested against him. Kendall was out doing God-knows-what and Logan was out with Camille, like always.

James was staring at the pictures on the T.V, but not comprehending what was on. He'd found himself thinking more about Kendall. He was pretty sure something was wrong. But he just…he didn't know.

"Hey Carlos?" He called.

"Yeah?" Carlos asked tiredly. He'd been two seconds away from falling asleep.

"Have you…" James stopped to bit his lower lip, "noticed…anything lately?"

"Mmm? Like what?"

"Like…how skinny Kendall's gotten?"

Carlos sat up and thought for a moment, shaking his head and looking at James. "Kendall's always been skinny."

"Yeah, but…he just looks more so."

The Latino sighed and thought more, deciding if he wanted to relax he had to please James first. Before he could think more into it though, Logan burst through the door. "Hey mi amigo's." He smiled.

"Hey! How was your date?" Carlos asked excitedly.

The smart boy grinned, sitting down next to the couple. "Great! We just hung out by the pool and relaxed."

"Was Kendall down there?" James interjected.

Logan shook his head, arm lifting to scratch at his neck. "No, just Jo. Practicing with Jett."

James felt Carlos stiffen and leaned over to place a kiss to his temple. He relaxed again and James pulled him closer. "Well, do you have any idea where he is?"

The smaller brunet opened his mouth then closed it again, looking confused. "No…I don't…weird. I usually know where he is."

James felt his heart clench and he pulled Carlos even closer. "Well, have you noticed anything different about him lately?"

"Like what?" Logan asked causing James to sigh. He was starting to realize that they weren't paying close enough attention to Kendall anymore.

"Never mind." He sighed.

Logan opened his mouth to ask why, when the door was thrown open and Kendall stumbled in…engaged in a make out session…with a guy.

The dude Kendall was currently letting kiss him, closed the door back shut then slammed Kendall against it hard. The blond didn't even seem to know that his three best friends were there. Kendall had his hands buried in the guys hair and his legs wrapped around his waist as the stranger kissed down Kendall's exposed neck.

James' mouth hung open, along with his other two friends. Kendall…Kendall, their supposed straight best friend, was kissing another dude. He was kissing another guy…he was fucking making out with another male. As in the same sex. As in not a girl. As in not Jo! Wasn't he with Jo? Since when was he gay? or Bi or what-the fuck-ever? How could he not know Kendall was into guys? What in the fucking universe is happening?!

"Kendall?" James jumped at Carlos' surprisingly steady voice.

Kendall and the guy pressed against him stopped. Kendall's eyes opened and focused on the three on the couch over the dudes shoulder. The man holding Kendall up, turned to slightly to look too.

"Who're they, babe?" The stranger asked, voice rough with arousal. He was a well built man a little older then themselves, with brown hair and dark blue eyes.

"M-My friends." Kendall answered.

The new guy hummed against Kendall's neck, going back to licking and sucking at the pale skin. "Where's your room?" Completely ignoring, Kendall's friends.

"Down the hall. First door to the right." Kendall partially purred into the guys ear.

The brunet man pushed off the wall, hands holding Kendall's thighs to keep him up, and walked into the room he was directed.

It was silent for a total of two seconds, before James exploded. "What the hell?!" He screamed. "He just ignored us! What the hell! He walks in here lip locked with a fucking dude and he just ignores us! Since when is he into guys? What the fuck happened!?"

Carlos jumped up when James started for the room currently occupied. "James! Come on you need to calm down. Or your going to start a scene. Calm down."

"Calm down! How could I possibly calm down!? Were you not here two seconds ago Carlos? He has some serious explaining to do." James growled.

"Just-"

"Oh, Yes! Harder!" They heard Kendall scream. Carlos' eyes widened as James' dark with anger. But at this point it was more rage.

"James!" Carlos squeaked franticly, grabbing the livid brunet. Spinning him around, Carlos kissed him. James instantly relaxed and calmed, kissing the Latino back. Carlos pulled back after a while and smiled. "Just let them finish and him leave, then we will see what's going on."

James looked at Carlos for a moment, then finally nodded. The Latino pulled James back to the couch and sat him down.

"What the hell was that, Carlos?" James whispered, looking at his feet.

Carlos shook his head and sat down next to him, sliding his hand around his waist. "I don't know, James."

After a heart beat James looked up to see that Logan was still staring at the door. "Dude? You okay?"

Logan snapped his head to the couple. "What? Oh yeah! Sure! Not like I just say Kendall practically get fucked into the door! No everything's peachy, haha!" Logan's voice raised an octave like it always does when he's nervous. "I'm going to go talk to Camille…about things…you know, stuff. Bleep blop bloop. Bye!" Then Logan was out the door faster than he's ever been.

"I think he's been scarred." Carlos said amused.

"We've all been scarred." James said flatly, causing Carlos to look at him in worry. There was something in James' voice that worried him. "Carlos, I don't know him anymore."

"What?" The Latino asked in confusion.

"Kendall's supposed to be my best friend, but I don't think I know him any more. He's changing Carlos. I can see it. I saw it before, but never bothered to look harder. I thought it was nothing. I don't like it." He whispered.

"What do you mean?" Carlos asked.

"I don't think this change is a good thing. Something's wrong."

Two hours and several rounds later, due to the load bangs and screams James was pretty sure there'd been at least five, the guy finally emerged from Kendall and James' joint room. The blue-eyed man didn't have his shirt on and his pants hung low on his hips. James had to admit, unwillingly, that the dude was very well built.

The stranger flashed a perfect smile at Carlos, James, and Logan, who'd returned about and hour prior, then went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. He found a apple and took a bite, just as Kendall walked out of his room. Kendall wore more than the stranger in the kitchen, but not much better. He was just in boxers and what James presumed to be the strangers missing shirt. It was slightly too big on Kendall and hung off one of the blonds shoulders. Kendall walked up to the man and plucked the apple from his hands to take a bite and then handed it back.

The stranger chuckled and kissed Kendall's cheek, before heading to the door. "Had fun, babe. Like always."

Kendall followed him, wrapping his arms around the blue-eyed man's neck and leaning against the open doors frame. "Mmm, yes it was. I'll return the shirt next time I see you."

"Which will be tomorrow." The blue-eyed man swooped down and kissed Kendall briefly. "See you later, baby." Then he unwrapped himself from Kendall and left down the hall.

James didn't know what to do. All he could do was watch the way his best friend and the stranger interact. He had no idea what was going on and when the man finally left he snapped out of his shocked state. He stood from the couch abruptly and stomped his way over to Kendall, who had just closed the door.

"Kendall Donald Knight! What in the actual hell was that!" He yelled.

Kendall looked up at James then glanced at Carlos. James saw Kendall's eyes darken with…sorrow? But it disappeared. "Look I would love to play twenty question's with you but-" He broke off to yawn, "-I need a nap." He gave the three his signature half smile half smirk, and walked back to his room.

"No." James whispered. "NO!" The brunet screamed. He shot forward and grabbed Kendall's arm. Kendall yelped in pain from the force of James' grip. James yanked Kendall toward the sofa and threw him on it. "You are not going to fucking walk away, Kendall. You can't act like this is not a big deal!" James screamed.

Kendall shrunk back from James' harsh voice. He was terrified, James never got this angry. "Kendall, you just had sex with a guy! A stranger that none of us even know! How old is this guys anyway? Does he know you're a minor? Did he know you have a girlfriend? Oh my god. You've cheated on Jo. She's going to be heartbroken."

Suddenly, Kendall's fright turned into anger. "Jo? After all this, you think about how this will effect Jo!" Kendall stood up, shaking from the force of his anger. "That guy has been there for me more than any of you have in the past year." Kendall glared at James, Carlos and Logan. "His name was Eric and he's 20. Yes he's knows I'm 17 and yes he knows I had a girlfriend!" Kendall screamed. He smirked darkly at the looks of confusion.

"Yes, had. Jo and I haven't gone out in ages. And I honestly don't care, but none of you even noticed that. None of you know what's been going on for the last year. Logan's too caught up in Camille, while you and Carlos are wrapped up in each other! That guy has been the only one there and I met him at a fucking bar. He probably knows more about me now than the three of you combined. And you want to know the sad part? All you thought about was how this was going to effect Jo, when she wouldn't even give a rat's ass about who I sleep with."

James stared at Kendall in horror, the words he said sinking in. "Kendall I'm s-"

"DON'T!" Kendall screamed. "Don't you dare say you're sorry, because you're not. None of you are. You guys are supposed to be there for me, be my best friends. But when I needed you most, you weren't there." Kendall whispered hoarsely, voice strained from suppressing his tears. "You have no idea what's happening, you don't even know I'm gay. You guys just don't care."

"But Kendall-" Carlos stared.

"Shut up Carlos! You don't!" Kendall screamed at them. "Just leave me alone!" Then he was out the door tears running down his face, completely ignoring his friends cries for him to stop.


	6. Chapter 6

Kendall ran out of the hotel, not caring that he was only in boxers and a too big shirt. He didn't care that his vision was blurred and could barley see through his tears as he ran down the walk way. Unlike what it looked like to people he passed, he actually knew where he was going. He'd been there many time, memorized the way. It was his home now.

He found the apartment complex he'd been looking for. Running right past the doorman. who didn't even bother looking up, and to the elevators, he pressed the button and jumped in. He tried to stop crying on his way up to the floor he desired, but he gave up and just let them flow. Soon the doors opened and he was walking down a familiar hall. The blond rubbed at his eyes as he looked for the right door. Finding it he knocked on it without hesitation.

There was some shuffling and muffled words before the door swung open. Eric stood on the other side, still not wearing a shirt, with a confused look on his face. "Kendall what are you-" He stopped when he saw the tears still falling down his cheeks. "What's wrong?"

"C-Can I c-come in?" He asked shakily.

Eric nodded and let Kendall in. The blond walked past him and to the kitchen to get a glass of water, Eric following behind. When Kendall had gotten his water and sat down, Eric talked. "What's wrong?"

Kendall shook his, not ready to talk about it yet. "Not now." He whispered. Eric nodded and got up. He went over to a cabinet and opened it to take out a box of cookies.

"Here, you seem to need them." He said handing Kendall the box.

Kendall smiled and took the box. He wasn't lying when he'd said Eric had been there when his other friends hadn't. This man was the closest thing he had to a boyfriend, of course he wasn't, but close enough. He understood when Kendall just wanted someone to cry on, or someone to help him forget, and he didn't push Kendall into stopping his self harm, as much as Eric wanted it to. He just understood.

Kendall jumps slightly when he hears someone's voice come from around the hall. "Babe? You coming back-Well hello." Another blond haired man said, when he walked into the kitchen. Kendall glanced over to Eric and raise one of his eyebrows. "Who's this? Is he joining us?" The blond man asked.

Eric chuckled and shook his head. "No, sorry. This is a friend of mine, I'm going to have to cancel."

The man shrugged. "Whatever, I'll find someone else. See ya." The guy left the kitchen toward the direction of what Kendall knew was Eric's bedroom to get his clothes.

Kendall turned to raise an eyebrow at Eric. "Hey, you know I fuck other people."

"That's not what I'm questioning. Really? Him? He looks like a stick on two legs."

"And you're not?" Eric asked. Kendall sucked in a sharp breath and looked away, that hurt more than it should. Eric's eyes widened and he started to spill out an apology. "No, Kendall that's not what I meant. Well, I mean-" He was cut off by the dude walking in to the kitchen.

"I'm leaving, Eric." He said and kissed his cheek, then turned to Kendall "Bye, cock-block." With a wave he left the apartment.

"Kendall…" Eric started after a beat of silence.

Kendall put on his best smile and shook his head, "No. Hey, it's fine. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose. My life just sucks." He laughed bitterly and got up and walked to Eric's bathroom, Eric following after him.

"And that's why I'm sorry. I crossed the line." He tried. Kendall nodded and opened a drawer next to the bathroom sink, shuffling through the stuff and finding a razor. "I wish you wouldn't do that." He said softly.

"Then why don't you stop me?" Kendall shot back sharply, while taking off his many bracelets.

"Because I'm not the one that you need." He said looking away when Kendall cut into his skin. "It wouldn't help if I stopped you."

Kendall sighed and just watched as the blood ran out of his wrists. "It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does matter! You matter Kendall! I just don't know why you can't see it." He argued, and Kendall continued to cut.

"Because I don't, Eric." He said harshly, razor cutting deeper. "My mom hated me, my friends don't care, I'm a whore!" He screamed, dropping the razor and whirling on Eric. "You above all people should know that! You are the closest thing I've had to any kind of feelings remotely romantic or brotherly or whatever in over a year." He said, voice thick with emotion. "You want to know how I lost my virginity, Eric? Why I know I'm a whore? It was in a back alley with a guy at least ten years older then me. I was barley sixteen. My first orgy was in a club's bathroom three days after that. I've slept with more guys and girls than I can count, Eric."

"Kendall…please. You're-" Eric tried again weakly.

"Yes, I am! Jesus, Eric, I've been with at least five guys this week and it's only Wednesday. Tell me that when you first saw me you didn't think I'd be an easy lay? You could tell, that I would do anything for sex, didn't you?" Kendall paused for Eric to answer.

"I-I," He tried to speak and say that he hadn't thought that, but in truth, that would have been a lie.

Kendall smiled bitterly. "See? I knew it. I don't matter. Whores don't matter, Eric. They are only good for sex and that's it. So just stop. You don't have to be nice to me. That's not going to prevent me from having sex with you. Trust me, Eric, I have done everything in the book. And you being mean to me will not stop me from jumping into your bed the moment you ask. Letting you bully me, is the tamest thing I would ever do"

Eric stopped all together, looking at Kendall. Blood was running down his hand and dripping to the floor, his eyes where broken and full of pain, it made him want to cry. Kendall was beautiful. And seeing such a beautiful boy so broken, hurt him beyond comprehension. Eric just quietly grabbed Kendall's hand and pulled out the bandages.

Kendall watched as Eric cleaned and dressed his wounds. He wondered why Eric was even doing this. The brunet lead Kendall to the back room, Kendall knew it was the guest room, he stayed here a lot, and sat him on the bed then knelt in front of him. "I'm being nice to you, Kendall, because you do matter. Even if you don't think so, you do. You matter to me, your friends, your sister. We all care about you."

Kendall shook his head vigorously and looked down at their hands. "No, you don't. They don't, or they would have seen that something was wrong. That's what best friends do, know when something's wrong without needing it to be said."

"Kendall…Kendall, look at me." Eric said gently. He waited for Kendall to look at him with watery eyes before continuing. "They are only human. Not every one can see when someone is hurting. And you're hiding it well, Kendall. You need to tell them you need them, not wait for them to tell you, you need them."

"I-I c-can't." He sobbed. "I-I c-can't t-tell th-them that th-eir r-rock has c-crumbled."

Eric smiled and wiped the blonds tears away. "But that is what best friends are for, baby. When you crumble, they are there to put you back together like you do."

Kendall cried harder, clinging onto the front of Eric's shirt as the other man maneuvered Kendall to lay on the bed. "I want you to get some rest Kendall. You need it."

The blond could only nod as Eric got in next to him. "I'll be right here when you wake up." He reassured the sniffling blond.

Kendall smiled watery and leaned up to kiss him softly. "Thank you." He mumbled.

"You're welcome, babe. Now sleep." He hushed, stroking Kendall's hair.

Kendall sighed and snuggled into the warmth, before falling asleep. Thinking for the first time that maybe the next time he woke up he'd fell a little better.


	7. Chapter 7

James just stared at the open door. Carlos and Logan had ran after Kendall in a panic to get him back and explain. But all he could do was stare at the damned door. Repeating the words that Kendall had screamed, his voice sounding so lost and broken. How could he have missed that? Not Kendall being gay, well that was part of it, but the part where Kendall had fallen apart? When had that happened?

What the fuck had he been thinking?

James fell back on the couch ungracefully, the couch making a soft thumping sound once he hit it. He placed his head in his hands as he tried to think properly. He didn't know what was going on. Kendall wasn't with Jo anymore. He was with…no he wasn't with anyone. That guy was just using Kendall as a sexual release.

Fuck, he didn't know what to think.

James pulled at his hair. What the hell did all this mean? What other things was Kendall hiding from them? Him? Just…"FUCK!" James screamed, slamming a hand into the glass table in front of the couch so hard it cracked. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" He chanted, pulling at his hair again, his hand throbbing dully.

The door suddenly opened and his head snapped to it, hope fluttering in his heart. But it was quickly squashed when Mama Knight came through, carrying a shit ton of groceries. He got up to go help her, thankful for the momentary distraction. She smiled at him in thanks. They talked a little, her just really telling him about her day, as he put away the things. He smiled when he pulled out their favorite snack. Cheese balls! They each got their own bag to avoid arguments. Although, Carlos usually finished his first and tried to mooch off of James' or the others, which just led to fights.

He pulled out the bags, only counting three. That was odd. "Mrs. Knight? Where's the fourth bag?"

"We only need three, honey" She said distractingly.

James face scrunched in confusion. "No…we need four. Me, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan."

James saw her eyes widen, but answered quickly. "Yes, dear. But the store only had three. One's going to have to share."

James nodded slowly and continued to pull out the groceries. His brows knitted together when he pulled out three of everything or something that only had 5 servings. "…Mrs. Knight?"

"Yes sweetheart?" She asked putting away some things.

"Um, Kendall's…Kendall's ran off."

He watched as something flashed in her eyes, an almost happy glint. "Don't worry, James. I'm sure he will come back."

James turned to her abruptly. "Did you know he was gay?" He asked sternly. And there it was. The look that she couldn't hide quick enough. One of complete disgust.

"No…I hadn't."

James looked away. "Are you feeding him?"

"Yes, of cour-"

"Don't lie to me! Are. You. Feeding. Him." He looked into her eyes, searching for the answer he hoped dearly he would get. His heart shattering when he didn't get it.

"No."

"Why?" He whispered.

"Because he is my son. And I will not have a gay son."

"You were fine with me and Carlos!" He said, voice breaking slightly.

"You two are not my sons. I don't care who you sleep with, as long as it's not my son. But I guess you already ruined him." She said coldly, eyes hard.

James looked down at the counter. "Get out."

"What?" She asked in surprise.

"I said get the fuck OUT!" He screamed.

"You can't do that! I-"

"Don't own the apartment. Carlos is 18 and Logan nearly is. And the apartment lease is under Kendall's name. We can do whatever we want." He looked at her with such hate, it made her gulp.

"W-What about Katie?"

"I'm going to tell her everything that has happened, what you have been doing. She can either live with us or with you, I don't care. I just want you out of this apartment."

She straightened her shoulders. "Fine, but I don't know why you're defending the little shit." She said storming to the door.

"You're supposed to be his mother." He said quietly, but loud enough for her to hear.

He saw her tense. "Not anymore." She said, voice dark and left the apartment.

James crumbled to the floor. He'd let this happen. All of this was his fault.

Carlos opened the door, while looking back to watch Mrs. Knight walk away. "Hey James? Where is-James! Oh my god! What's wrong!?" Carlos rushed over to kneel next to the brunet and pull him to his chest.

"This is my fault." James whispered, turning his head into Carlos' chest and started to sob. "All my fault."

Carlos bit his lip, holding James tighter. He didn't know what to say, he didn't even know what happened. "Baby, it's okay. We'll figure it out." And that just made James cry harder.

Kendall sat at Eric's kitchen table the next day lost in thought, but of course it didn't last long.

"Eric! You done fucking your slut?" A voice called after slamming open the door.

Eric walked into view, toweling at his hair. Kendall started to wonder if the older boy ever wore a shirt for more than 5 minutes. "Yeah, but they're still here." He said winking at Kendall, making the blond teen roll his eyes.

"What? You let one stay for more than 20 minutes after-oh it's Kendork, never mind." Jett rounded the corner and came into Kendall's view.

"Hey yourself, jerk wad." Kendall mumbled around the brim of his mug.

Jett flopped down next to Kendall and placed an arm around the back of his chair. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with your friends?"

"No. They don't control me!" Kendall snapped. Jett put his hand up in surrender at the harsh tone. Kendall sighed, "Sorry…rough night."

Jett smirked cockily. "I bet." He sang.

Kendall rolled his eyes and kicked the shorter blond. "Shut up, bastard."

Jett pouted. "Ow! Eric! Your play thing's being mean to me!"

Eric walked back into the room from wherever he'd disappeared to with a shirt and to the fridge. "Children be nice."

Jett rolled his eyes and threw the nearest heavy object at Eric before turning back to Kendall. "Anyway, why are you here? Logan and Carlos have been looking for you."

Kendall looked down, trying desperately to not notice the lack of James in that sentence. "We had a fight."

"Aw, trouble in paradise?"

Eric shot Jett a look. "Shut up Jett."

"No, Eric it's fine." Kendall said, he turned back to Jett. "If by paradise, you mean my hell hole of a home? Then yes. My mother hates me and my friends don't care. Yesterday was my breaking point and I had finally just screamed to them I was having trouble. So yes Jett, there is trouble in paradise." He spat. The words flowing with venom, making Jett flinch. The blond stood up and mumbled he was going to take a shower.

Eric watched Kendall go then turned back to Jett. "Moron! I had just got him feeling better!"

"How was I supposed to know?" Jett asked.

"Because I'm your older brother! And you know me! If Kendall's here that usually means something bad happened."

"Like I'd know that! We are only half-brothers! I can't read your mind!" Jett said, crossing his arm defiantly.

"Well, then figure out how, dip shit!" Eric glared. He got up, "I'm going to go make sure he doesn't accidentally kill himself." And then he stormed away.

Jett sighed and banged his head on the table. Eric was so protective of Kendall. Ever since he'd introduced them. Kendall was like another younger brother to Eric…that he fucked? Okay moving away from that fucked up train of thought. Point was, Eric was a protective son of a bitch when he wanted to be. Jett groaned and banged his head on the table again. Fuck, he always gets himself involved in other peoples business, if he wanted to be or not. He always stumbled into it.

He stood up and walked toward the shower. "Might as well go and apologies. Stupid brothers and brothers-friend-with-benefits-but-younger-brother… thing…Screw it. I don't know what I'm saying. Stupid messed up family." He wondered briefly, when Kendall became part of his family.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning!!!!! There is some description of physical child abuse in this chapter. If you believe it might trigger you please do not read. It is in the _Italics portion_ if you want to skip over that part.

Carlos had finally gotten James to calm down and now the brunet was sleeping in their room. He sighed, combing a hand through his hair. Before James had fallen asleep, he'd been able to calm down enough to tell him the whole story and he just…he couldn't believe it.

Every little thing that Kendall's mother had done, he should have noticed. The pain Kendall must have felt, he couldn't even fathom it. Kendall probably felt like no one cared. Which wasn't true, they'd just never noticed…and in retrospect was probably worse.

And fuck! Then there was James. He felt like all of this was his fault. Of course it wasn't. It wasn't anyone's, but Kendall's fucked up past and mother. The blond was the last person on the earth that should have to go through all this. All three boys knew about Kendall's abusive father, they just never told Kendall they knew. He guessed that he should have known that it would affect Kendall more than he'd let on. Should have been the first clue.  
~+~

_All three boys woke up simultaneously. It wasn't too weird, they did that sometimes when they slept over, especially if one left the room to go pee or get a glass of water. Looking around they noticed that Kendall was the one that had left._

_James smirked. "Those 3, 2 liter bottles of pop have come back to haunt him." He snickered._

_The Latinos face split into a grin. "Guys! Lets go scare him!"_

_"What would be the point of that?" Logan commented. "It's not like he'd pee his pants, since he's already emptied his bladder."_

_Carlos rolled his eyes. "Come on! It be a pay back for all those times he scared you with that fake snake while you where in the shower at camp."_

_It was quite for a beat. "Yeah, okay. Let's go." Came Logan's voice, prompting them to all get up._

_They made their way to the bedroom door through the dark, James only stubbing his toe on something once, and opened the door a crack to make sure Kendall wasn't coming back down the hall. Making sure the coast was clear, they tiptoed to the bathroom, only to find it empty._

_"Maybe he went to get some water?" James whispered, looking at the other two._

_They both shrugged. "Worth a shot." Logan said, then they all headed for the stairs._

_Just before the boys reached the bottom, they heard a slight whimper and a small voice call out "daddy". They all looked at each other in confusion. The voice sound like Kendall's, but…not. Kendall never called his father 'daddy', neither did Katie, and his voice had never sounded so childish._

_They peaked around the corner._

_"You pathetic shit." Came a harsh voice. "Look at the mess you and your friends caused." All the boys eyes widened as they saw Mr. Knight hand fly out and smack Kendall across the face. "I don't know why your mother allows them to come over. I just end up cleaning after you, you ungrateful child!"_

_James had to cover his mouth with his hand to keep a gasp from escaping as Mr. Knight slapped Kendall with such a force he landed on the floor. "Daddy, please. I-I c-can cle-an i-it up." The blond whimpered._

_"Damn straight you're cleaning it up! You pathetic toy!" He spat. "You make the mess, you clean it up!" He landed a kick to Kendall's shaking form. "I don't want to come home from a hard day at work, making money to feed your pathetic mouth, to a filthy home!" All through his rant he'd kicked Kendall multiple time, before yanking him up by the hair and forcing the now crying blond to look at him. "You are to clean this up and tomorrow no food." The man hissed at his son, then smacked him hard and threw him to the ground._

_"Yes, daddy." Came the broken reply and that was all it took for them. James clamped a hand over his mouth and hurried up the stairs as quietly as he could. Logan had to grab onto Carlos' frozen body to get him to follow and they all piled back into the room. James slumped over and cried silently and Carlos wrapped his arms around James and cried too._

_"I don't think we should tell Kendall we know." Logan whispered._

_"What? Why? We need to help him!" James whispered back harshly._

_"And make it worse!? Carlos, your dads a cop. I bet he's told you about cases like these. They just get worse if the abuser finds out the abused told someone, right?"_

_Carlos hesitated for a second before nodding. "Yeah. It's like a last hoo ha for them. Sometimes the victim ends up dead." He whispered. causing James to whimper._

_"Fine." James choked out, his sobs dying down a little. "We won't tell him or anyone that we know, for Kendall's sake."_

_They all nodded and shuffled back into their own sleeping bags before Kendall came back into the room. When he had and he's settled down and gone to sleep, they all got up and curled around him. It wasn't unusual, they often found themselves waking up in each others arms during sleepovers, but this time it for the comfort of knowing Kendall was there and safe, if only for that moment._

~+~

After that day, they paid closer attention and noticed the days Kendall acted different or had a limp or had anything that indicated that Kendall'd been abused the night before. When they went over to his house, they made sure to clean up after themselves and if Kendall noticed it, he didn't say anything.

But it was so hard. To watch one of your best friends suffer in silence and not do anything about it. And when the beatings seemed to get worse and they were on the verge of reporting it, Kendall's father left.

And that was that.

They'd thought that was the end of it. They'd never thought maybe Mama Knight knew and did nothing. They'd never thought that she'd flat-out reject her son. Never thought she'd stop feeding him.

And Kendall deserved none of this.

He didn't deserve to be beaten, rejected, treated like a cheap slut or have friends that never saw what was happening. He should be set on a fucking pedestal and worshiped for all that he was.

Carlos jumped and was broken out of his thoughts when his phone buzzed. he pulled it out and checked the I. D. Seeing it was Logan, he hit the answer button. "Have you found him?" He already knew the answer, he just wanted to hope he wasn't right.

"No." Came the disappointed sigh.

Carlos grimaced. "Why don't you just come back to the room, Logie? Looks like we'll have to wait 'til he comes back on his own."

Logan sighed and Carlos could practically see Logan's hand card through his hair. "Yeah, okay. Be back in a few." Then he hung up.

Carlos flung his phone on the table and turned the T.V. on, hoping some mindless T.V. would help clear his head.

~+~

Kendall laid sprawled out on the couch in Eric's apartment. He had taken a quick shower that, yes, involved sex with Eric. It help him calm down a little. Now he was just staring at the ceiling listening to the two half-brothers argue. He hated that they fought over something he'd done so much. Jett was still his jerky self, but he'd grown to ignore that part of him. It helped that Kendall was fucking Jett's brother and they lived together.

That's actually how they meet. After Jo and Kendall 'broke up' (it was more like not seeing each other at all and just telling people they were single) Kendall had had a hot one night stand with the shorter male. He wasn't very proud of that fact, because they were sorta friends, but whatever. He'd woken up and decided to make Jett breakfast, because, at the time, Jett was the only one that knew about his situation. It was one big complicated thing that hurt his brain to think about. Anyway, he'd met Eric while making breakfast and the rest is history.

So, he hated that they were fighting. He loved both of them, because they've been through a lot together, and them fighting tore him up a little.

He heard a sigh and looked up to see Jett walking toward him. He lifted Kendall's feet and sat down where they had been, then placed them back into his lap. "I'm sorry, Kendall. I should have noticed something was wrong." The shorter male huffed.

Kendall rolled his eyes and kicked his chest, "Whatever, it's fine. Just things that have decided to blow up in my face."

Jett smirked at him. "What did you expect from bringing Eric home with you when you knew the boys were going to be there."

"Shut up. I was tired of hiding at least that part of me from them and horny."

"And we all know you make the best decisions when you're horny."

Kendall laughed and kicked Jett again. "Be quiet!"

Jett smiled at him, but it melted and he looked down, playing with the hem of the jeans Kendall was wearing that he borrowed from Eric. "They'd looked really worried." He said softly.

By that time Eric had walked in (fully clothed for once) and sat down and placed Kendall's head in his lap. "Who was worried?" He asked.

"Carlos and Logan. When I saw them searching for you." Jett said simply.

"Oh…" Kendall said, looking up at Eric as he ran a hand threw his hair.

"Kendall…I know your life sucks right now, but…you don't know how lucky you really are." Jett held up a hand when Kendall tried to speak. "Just let me say this. You have three best friends, your sister, and now you also have us. I need you to know that. I was always so hateful to you, because of that. You infect your way into people's hearts Kendall. And at first I hated that, but then you told me about all that was going on and it just hit me. You're so open and caring and that's how you get people to respect and love you. You give each person you meet a piece of yourself and sometimes they abuse it. Like your parents or the guys you pick up at the clubs or Jo.

"But then you have James, Carlos, and Logan, Katie, Eric and me, Camille, most of the Palmwoods, hell you even have Bitters wrapped around your finger. You just have to remember that, despite all the things that have happened in your past, you have people who love and care about you." He finished, looking up to see Eric smiling softly and Kendall on the verge of crying.

The blond lunged forward and wrapped him up in a hug. "Thank you, Jett. I needed to hear something like that."

Jett shrugged, "No biggie."

Kendall smiled and wiped a stray tear away. "What brought that on?"

Jett looked down again. "I was just thinking about it. You know that our father died when I was three and Eric six and my mom doesn't really want anything to do with me, so all I have is you and Eric, and I don't know, I just wanted you to know you're luckier than I am."

Kendall shook his head, "Don't say that. You're great Jett. You just don't make friends that easy, because, you know, you're a jerk." Kendall said with a smirk.

Jett rolled his eyes and pushed Kendall off. "I'm having this heart-felt moment with you and you ruin it! And that makes me the jerk how?"

Kendall laughed and stood up. "I'm going to go. I have a lot of explaining to do." He bent down to kiss Eric's cheek and squeeze Jett's shoulder. "I'll see you later." He grabbed his stuff and with a final wave walked out the door.

Eric smiled and turned to Jett. "That is probably the most relaxed I've seen him."

Jet just shrugged, relaxing against the couch. "When are you going to tell him you're in love with one of his friends." Eric cut in right after.

Jett snapped his head over to Eric. "What!? Never! He doesn't need to know that!" He yelled, cheeks flushing.

Eric chuckled. These teenagers and their obsession with angst and making things complicated, but still. "You did good, little brother."

And Jett beamed.


	9. Chapter 9

Kendall reached his apartment with no interruptions and opened the door hesitantly, not wanting to alert anyone of his presence. He found no one in the living room and sighed. Opening the door completely, he walked in and set his keys and his wallet on the dinning table, then walked to over to the hall. The blond cracked open Logan and Carlos' room to find the smart boy and Latino not there. He gave a bitter chuckle, Logan was probably out with Camille and Carlos was most likely with James. He swallowed and closed the door.

He walked over to his and James' room, hesitating at the door. Was he really ready to tell them everything? Well no, obviously. But they should know, he wants them to know, he just wasn't ready. He was so tired, though. So tired of the pain and constant hunger. He needs them to know.

With a final shaky breath, he reached out his hand and cracked open the door. His eyes were instantly drawn to the sleeping James. His heart fluttered in his chest, he was sleeping on Kendall's bed. He looked over and saw Carlos and Logan sitting on James' bed talking quietly. Kendall was shocked to see Carlos look so serious and Logan even here. He watched them for a moment, they both spoke too quietly for him to hear, but he was able to see all he needed.

Carlos looked so worried and tired, he'd occasionally glance over to check on James then flit back to Logan. The tanned boy never looked so grown up and part of Kendall felt flattered and disgusted with himself for that. Flattered that Carlos was so worried about him and disgusted because the Latino should never have to look like that. He should always be carefree and in love. Not worried and tired.

Logan wasn't much better off. He looked about ready to be sick. His skin was pale and his shoulders shaking. It took a moment for Kendall to see that Logan was actually crying.

Kendall had to close the door for a moment, pressing a hand to his mouth and leaning against the door. He couldn't believe they were all there and worried about him. He didn't deserve this, them, anything.

He's cracked and he's mangled. He was a broken doll that they should sell to some other family because he feels like he doesn't belong in this one, feels like he doesn't belong with anyone. Played with and used to the point of ripping open, then being stitched together only to be ripped open over and over and over again, until his owner no longer wanted to stitch him up again. His heart bleeding through the seams, open and raw and unforgiving. Still being used again and again, until the rips are wide and endless and his heart feels like it can bleed no more. But they keep playing, enjoying him as long as they still can abuse, until he's just the cloth that held the stuffing. His body hollow, his rips too big to fix. And then he's left on the curb for the trash to come and get, to be thrown away and forgotten.

He was cold, so cold.

Kendall scrubbed at his face to get the burning feeling in his eyes to stop. He took another breath and opened the door completely. Carlos and Logan's heads snapped to the door. He stood in the door awkwardly, hand rubbing at his neck nervously. "H-He-" He stopped and cleared his throat. "Hi." He chocked out lamely.

He was suddenly enveloped by two strong arms, the force of it knocking the air out of him. "Oh my God! Don't do that ever again. Do you have any idea how worried I was!" Logan yelled, voice cracking from suppressed tears.

"D-Don't r-run off like that. James made himself sick with guilt and worry and I probably paced holes in my shoes." Carlos croaked out, shoulders shaking. It was then that Kendall felt the front of his shirt dampen.

"Oh, no. Carlos, shh. Don't cry. I'm sorry, I-I did-I'm sorry." He whispered, wrapping his arms around both Carlos and Logan. He held them for a moment, relishing in the fact that they were touching him. "W-Where's James? He needs to hear this." Kendall spoke, pulling away from the sniffling pair.

Carlos pointed to the bed. "He passed out from crying earlier today."

A pang of guilt and sadness ripped through Kendall's heart. He walked over to the beautiful brunet's bed, noticing the tracks of wet down the pretty boys face. His heart clenched. "James." Kendall whispered soothingly. "James, I need you to wake up."

James turned onto his back slowly. "Hmm?" He groaned sleepily, opening his eyes.

Kendall gave a watery smile. "Hey."

James was suddenly wide awake and launching himself at Kendall, wrapping his arms around Kendall completely and sobbing into his shoulder. "Oh God, oh God, I'm so sorry, Ken. So, so sorry. I sh-should have seen it."

"We know about your mom." Carlos spoke out softly when Kendall looked confused.

"We had no idea." Logan choked out. "We're so sorry."

James looked up from Kendall's shoulder and pulled Kendall's face to look at his own, framing it with his hands. "I'm sorry." He choked around his sobs.

Kendall shuddered out a breath, tears falling from his own eyes. He reached up and held James' hands around his face, rubbing his thumb over his wrist. "I-It wasn't your fault," he whispered, "I didn't want you to know, so I never let you see."

Kendall felt a warmth press against his back and Carlos came into view over James' shoulder and guessed it was Logan behind him. "She was like your second mother," he said, taking a hand away from holding James and moving it to close around one of Logan's, who had wrapped his arms around his waist, "If I'd told you, you would have lost her…like I did." He looked at Carlos and then James, squeezing Logan's hand. "I didn't want you to feel that pain."

James sobbed harder, his hands dropping to thumb at Kendall's neck, and suddenly Carlos' head was right next James', reaching out a hand to frame Kendall's cheek were James' hand had been, and Logan's lips where pressed against his ear, murmuring words of apology and love.

They were all a sobbing heap of limbs on Kendall's bed. Kendall had one hand holding Logan's, the other on his cheek with Carlos', and his forehead pressed up against James'. He felt overwhelmed by the amount of love pouring out of the three boys around him. And he just cried hard, because it had been so long, so long, since he felt loved by these boys. Everything was forgotten in this moment, wrapped up in the three people he loved the most. His past, his arms, his mother, all forgotten in that one moment.

For the first time, since he lost his virginity, he felt clean. Like he was worth more than the sex he let people take freely, more than what people have made him believe he was worth. He felt like himself. For the first time in years, he felt like he belonged.

And that sent him over the edge, letting all the anger, betrayal, loneliness, emptiness, pain out. He ripped open all the old wounds he let scab over and ignored the pain, bleed through the broken seams of his heart, completely baring his soul. He let James, Carlos and Logan see all that his heart had to offer for them, let them see how broken he really was.

Heart wrenching sobs tore up from his heart, wracking his body. He went limb from the force of them, collapsing into James' chest. He screamed out in anguish until his throat was sour and he couldn't any more, reduced to silent cries of eternal pain. Fat tears pouring from his eyes and down his cheeks until there was no more and his sobs were dry.

He didn't know how long they stayed like that, entangled around each other, sobbing and babbling love and apologies of nonsense. But by the time he fell asleep, head resting on James chest with his arms wound around him, Carlos' hand stroking his hair, and Logan's hands stroking his sides and face nuzzling his neck, he felt completed and safe.

He was warm, finally, so warm.


	10. Chapter 10

Kendall woke to warmth and his head slowly moving up and down. The first thing he realized was that his head was resting on someone's chest and that was why it was rising and falling, the second thing being there was only one other body in the bed besides his own, and the last thing he comprehended; that it was James.

He looked up and smiled at the sight of a sleep rumpled James. "G'mornin'," James mumbled.

"Morning," Kendall replied, smiling.

James sat up, but kept Kendall close. "How you feeling?" James asked soothingly.

Kendall looked back down, not completely sure what to say. "I'm...I'm better, I guess."

"I'm so sorry."

Kendall sat up and shook his head. "No, James. This was not your fault. It's my mom's for not loving me like she should, it's mine for not talking to you guys and letting random guys use my body. It's not your fault." He said sternly.

"But-"

Kendall put a hand over James' mouth, "Shh, no. Not your fault." Kendall looked into James' sad eyes. "Please, James. This is the first time in months I've felt this relaxed and close to you. Let's...just let me enjoy being myself again."

James looked like he wanted to protest, but didn't, nodding so Kendall knew he understood. Kendall let his hand drop and he settled back into James' chest. James closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, smelling the overwhelming scent of Kendall's mint shampoo and the distinct smell of pancakes.

"Why do people let themselves fall in love?" Kendall blurted out suddenly. "Why do people get their hearts broken over and over again, why do they go through all that pain just because they are in love? It doesn't make sense." Kendall rambled, blushing right after his little rant.

James squeezed Kendall closer. "Because...Because it's an adventure." James replied, smiling at the warm feeling enveloping him. "And everyone loves a good adventure."

Kendall snorted, "Okay Peter. Faith, trust, and pixie dust." The blond mocked.

"No, really. People love the feeling of falling into someone. Learning their likes and dislikes, things that make them moan in annoyance and then moan in pleasure. It's like a treasure hunt, tracing the cracks in their armor and finding the gold that lies underneath the layers you dig away at. You get to feel the thrill of joy when they smile or the crushing fear when they are so mad at you, you can't breath. Exploring the depths of their personality, unlocking the parts you only get to see, figuring out the puzzle and defeating the boss on the other side."

Kendall stayed silent, looking up at James again, hands smoothing over James' chest, soaking it in. Then, James continued, "Because falling in love is an awfully big adventure. And, just like you said, requires faith, trust, and just a little pixie dust."

Kendall's heart seemed to snap back into place a little as James finished his speech. They locked eyes and the world seemed to fade. James' words seemed to describe it perfectly. He fell in love with James after years of trying to get close to him and figuring him out. But even now, he still couldn't completely figure the brunet out, even after knowing James since kindergarten, he was still such a mystery, an adventure Kendall was still questing.

And in this moment, it seemed like the last bit of falling in love fell into place, the pixie dust finally sprinkling it's magic on them. They moved closer together like the opposite charges of magnets, pulling together and couldn't be stopped. Kendall could feel James' breath on his lips, almost taste him on his tongue. The blond reached up and placed a hand on James' cheek, stopping him from moving any further. Kendall's eyes were closed to prevent himself from looking at the boy he wanted most. Because if he did, the last ounce of his self control would evaporate.

He took a moment to just feel the warmth on his lips from James' breath and the heat radiating from his body. But he couldn't have this...

Carlos.

"Is this what you feel about Carlos?" He whispered, lips barely brushing against James'. This was enough, he could live with this.

"Yeah," James whispered back, moving his head farther away, his body farther away. "Yeah, Carlos." Kendall opened his eyes to look at James, but he was turned away and getting out of the bed, heading to the bathroom.

Kendall laid back down and tried not to cry. He had no idea what just happened or what it meant. James was in love with Carlos...or at least he thought. He didn't know what was going on, but it felt like James was holding something back. He just didn't know what...

Deciding that he would figure it out later, he got out of bed and went to the kitchen, seeing Logan making breakfast and Carlos and Katie at the counter.

Katie jumped out of her chair and ran to Kendall, jumping into his arms. "I'm staying with you, big brother. She shouldn't have done that to you."

Kendall felt his heart mend just a little more. "But Katie, she didn't do anything to you, just me. You should still see her."

"No!" She said firmly, "I don't care if she didn't do anything to me, no one should get away with not taking care and loving their only son. And until she sees what she has done is wrong, she also no longer has a daughter."

Kendall felt his eyes well with tears. "I love you, baby sister." He said softly.

Katie pulled back with a choked laugh. "Put me down before I start crying." She giggled.

Kendall smiled and set her down. "You're getting too big for that anyway." He joked. She rolled her eyes and punched him, going over to the couch to play with her IPad. He sat down next to Carlos. "What's for breakfast?"

"Pancakes." Logan said, setting a plate down in front of Kendall.

"Hey! I was here first!" Carlos groaned.

"I like Kendall better." Logan teased, sticking his tongue out at Carlos, but serving him shortly after.

James walked in after a while, looking distracted. "Hey," he said, kissing Carlos' cheek. Kendall caught James whispering something he couldn't make out before he pulled back. Logan handed him a plate and he sat down to eat.

Kendall finished rather quickly, jumping up and smiling at everyone. "Welp, I'm going to the pool to hang with Jett and his brother."

"Jett has a brother?" Carlos asked.

Kendall nodded. "Um...yeah, the guy you saw me with."

"They look nothing alike!" Logan exclaimed.

"Half-brothers" Kendall said with a shrug.

"Oh...but we wanted to do something together."

"You can come with me. I'm not going to just dump Jett and his brother because I have you guys back. I'm so happy about that, but Jett and Eric were there when you weren't. I have a bond with them that you wouldn't understand, just like they don't understand my bond with you guys." Kendall explained, looking at each of them. "I'm not fixed guys, it's going to take some time for me to feel normal again. So you can come with me or not." Kendall shrugged, stealing some of Carlos' bacon and walking out the door.

"He just stole my bacon!" Carlos gasped, scandalized.

Logan rolled his eyes, handing him more bacon, "Yes, Carlos. That was the most important part of that whole speech." Carlos grumbled at Logan as he took a bite out of his new piece.

"Well," Katie cut in, "I'm off to Rocque Records, because Gustavo just texted me and needs me to talk Griffin out of some baaaaaad plan. See ya, dorks!" She said, waving to them as she walked out of the room.

Logan took off the apron he'd been using and moved the pans off the stove. "I'm going to take Kendall up on his offer and hang out with him at the pool. Get to know Jett and that other dude, seems like they're sticking around. You coming?"

"Yeah, in a minute." James answered. "Carlos and I have to talk about something first."

Logan looked between the two for a second before shrugging. "Alright then. See ya in a bit."

James watched Logan walk out the door then to Carlos' curious gaze. "I think it's time to stop this."


	11. Chapter 11

Kendall found Jett and Eric at the pool, lounging in the lounge chairs. Eric spotted Kendall coming over and scooted over so the blond could sit next to him. Kendall settled into his side and relaxed. "So...how was your night?" He asked.

"It was fine, you know..." He trailed off, tracing patterns into Eric's abs.

"No, we don't know, Kendork." Jett snipped sarcastically.

Kendall sighed, "James found out about my mother hating and not feeding me and kicked her out, then asked me about all of it which lead to me confessing almost everything and now our relationship is on the mend!" Kendall half smiled, a smile a little too sarcastic for Eric's liking.

"Did you tell them about the cutting?" He asked simply, not looking at Kendall directly.

Kendall looked down and played with Jett's hand after he reached over and grabbed it. "No, but they don't need to know that."

"They can't help you-"

"-if I don't tell them. I know, I know." The hurt blond sighed. "I don't need help with this one though. I started cutting because I thought none of my friends cared and people wanted me for my body. Now I know the first one isn't true, the second one I still believe, but I'm sure they're going to work hard to show me differently. So, after a while, I'll eventually be strong enough to stop."

"But what if they don't help you fast enough!" Jett whispered harshly, he and Eric both hated how Kendall talked about himself, but knew they weren't going to be the ones able to fix him. "What if something happens to send you over the edge and you cut just a little too deep? What then Kendall?"

"They aren't going to let that happen." Kendall said sternly. Jett's mouth snapped closed, stunned by the amount of faith he has in his friends. The shorter blond just looked down and nodded, dropping the subject.

"Anything else?" Eric inquired lazily.

Kendall bit his lip, playing with Eric's shirt. "Oh my god! There is! What happened?" Jett jumped in.

Kendall sighed and laid his head on Eric's shoulder. "James almost kissed me." He whispered.

Jett's eyes widened as Eric's head snapped up from his magazine. "What!?" They said together.

Kendall chuckled at their reactions. "When I woke up, James was the only one in the room. We talked and one thing lead to another, yada, yada, and we almost kissed."

"...what?" They blinked.

Kendall huffed in annoyance. "That's it. I reminded him of Carlos and it stopped. Whatever moment we had is now gone and will never come back. Now lets move away from this conversation." He snapped, getting up and storming away from the half-brothers.

Jett sighed while running a hand through his hair. "Well, that was interesting...what do you think it means?" He asked Eric.

Eric watched Kendall flirt with a guy at the smoothie stand as he answered. "I don't know. I hope it's something good though."

* * *

James stepped out of the elevator smiling. His conversation with Carlos went better than he thought it would. James spotted Kendall near the pool...sucking face with some dude. The brunettes nostrils flared and his face flushed in anger, then without really realizing it, James was ripping the dude off of Kendall.

"Leave." He said, tone threatening. The guy didn't even look back as he ran away.

"James! What the hell?" Kendall snarled.

James turned on Kendall. "If we are going to help you Kendall, you've got to stop picking up random dudes."

Kendall growled. "You can't just control my life like that, James. I still have needs-"

"But you need to tone it down! At this rate you could end up getting some disease! I just don't want to see one of the people I love the most dieing in a hospital bed when I could have helped to prevent it." James said desperately.

Kendall deflated. He said he was going to try and get help, and he can't just say he's going to get help and not follow through. "Yeah, okay. I'll cut back or whatever. Don't worry, James."

James sighed, but accepted the answer. "Okay, well anyway, I was going to go to the store to get some ingredients for dinner. You want to come?"

Kendall nodded, smiling widely. This would be the first dinner he'd had with his friends that he could actually eat until he was full, since his mother disowned him.

James smiled and flung an arm around the blonde's shoulders. "Come on then!"

* * *

It took the two of them an hour to pick what they wanted and then another two to find the ingredients, getting distracted by sweets or throwing random items at each other. When they went to check out, the guy behind the cash register immediately started flirting with Kendall. James bristled, but didn't do anything. He just watched, noticing just how much Kendall had changed. But true to his word, Kendall backed off and left the guy hanging, leaving James in a much better mood.

"We're back!" James called.

"Finally! Fuck, guys, I'm starving." Carlos yelled, nearly tackling James to get to the bags of food.

Kendall froze. That's all Carlos had done. He hadn't given James a kiss, or slapped his ass or some other couple-y thing, he just took the bags. Which was strange, because that's what they did every time one of them entered the room.

Logan was already at the stove putting some of the ingredients together when James called his name. "Uh, what?" He asked, blinking.

James smirked repeating his question. "Do you want to help me with the salad or do you want to just stand there?"

"Oh, oh yeah, sure." Kendall shook himself out of his stupor and joined James at the counter.

Pretty soon they were all laughing and talking and joking and Kendall felt more at home than he has in a long time. And with a start, Kendall realized he hadn't felt the need to cut at all today, too busy shopping with James and now making dinner. That thought put a smile on his face for the rest of the night.


	12. Chapter 12

"Okay! We are having a bonding night!" Kendall jumped when Jett walked through the apartment door. It's been a few days since James, Carlos, and Logan found out about his mother. Since then, he is eating properly, sleeping properly, and the amount of sexual partners he has acquired has gone down significantly. Eric and Jett are still the only ones to know about how he still cuts, but...he is slowly stopping. He doesn't feel the craving as much anymore.

"Bonding...night. Uh-huh." Kendall drawled blankly.

"You know, movies, food, truth or-"

"No." Kendall said firmly. Jett and Eric have been trying to get Kendall to tell James how he feels for ages it seems.

"But why not?" Jett whined, which is precisely when James and Carlos decided to come in.

"Why is Jett whining?" James asked, not really caring if he got an answer or not.

"Kendall doesn't want us all to have a bonding night." Jett answered smirking at Kendall who was gesturing madly at Jett to stop, but stopped his flailing when James and Carlos looked at both of them.

"Why not? That sounds like a great idea! And Logan just went shopping yesterday so we have plenty of snack-able things….Yeah lets have a bonding night!" James cheered, running off to his room to most likely get ready.

"The Hollywood super party kings of Hollywood are back!" Carlos yelled, running after him.

"It's not a-" Kendall tried, but he was gone. "I hate you."

"You love me." Jett smirked. "I'm going to go tell Eric and then be right back. Get ready Kendall!" The other blond smiled.

Kendall growled and walked off to the bathroom. Fuck, now he was stressed. He opened the cabinet and riffled around for his razor. He found it and took it out to look at it. He hadn't wanted to do this in about a week. Kendall took his bracelets off and looked at his arm. All of his old wounds were healed and just the fading scars were there. Did he really want to do this though? The scars were fading, almost gone. His heart didn't hurt that much any more.

But...what if they did play truth or dare or something equally as stupid and he was forced to admit his love for James? Or they got drunk and he babbled it out drunkenly on accident? He couldn't take the rejection James was sure to give him. He couldn't lose his friends. Not now. Not ever. He'd die.

With that thought he dug the razor into his once unmarred skin, letting the stress and pain run out of his body

"Okay!" Jett said, setting down his beer. Kendall groaned, nothing good ever happened after Jett says okay. Jett glared at Kendall. "What do you guys want to do?"

James shrugged, pushing at Logan's shoulder, who was zoned out and watching the fan in the corner rotate in fascination. It's gotten hot so they stole it from Bitters' supply closet. "I don't know, what do you want to do?"

"I don't know, what do you want to do?"

"Please stop quoting Disney." Eric groans from his place nestled into Kendall's neck. Eric was a cuddly drunk.

James huffed. "Well then, what do you want to do?" Taking an annoyed swig of his half empty beer, James growled at Eric

Eric glances at Jett and smiles. "Lets play Spin The Bottle."

"No." Kendall, James, and Carlos said at once, earning themselves a weird look from Logan.

"But this is our version of Spin The Bottle." Jett smirked.

"It's just technically Spin The Bottle and Truth or Dare combined into one." Eric explained.

"I'm in." Logan shrugged. His three best friends mouths dropped. "What? What?" Logan repeated when they continued to look at him.

"You hated Spin The Bottle and Truth or Dare every time we played it back in Minnesota." Carlos babbled in shock. "And this is a combination of both."

Logan shrugged again. "Maybe I've had too many beers?" He tried.

"It's settled!" Jett announced proudly. "We are playing!" Kendall wanted to die. He wanted to die right now, in a glorious flash, because he is sure he is about to spontaneously combust. "Who first?" Jett asked.

When no one answered Eric sighed and sat up. "How about you, my darling brother?" Eric drawled in boredom. "Truth or dare?"

"Wait, don't you need to spin the bottle first?" Carlos asked.

"No." Eric yawned, "The first person gets to chose who they want, then that person spins after they complete the truth or dare."

"Oh...Okay." Carlos said nodding. He looked over at Jett expectantly.

Jett thought for a moment then shrugged. "Dare."

Eric nodded and played with Kendall's hair, smirking at the poorly hidden glare James sent him. "Alright, lets start off simple. I dare you to mix what is left of your beer with the pickle juice I saw in the fridge earlier."

Jett's faced scrunched. "That is disgusting."

Eric's tongue dragged over his bottom lip. "I really don't care."

Carlos leaned forward. "Are you already chickening out?"

"W-What! No...just stating a fact." Jett mumbled as he got up to do the dare. Kendall nearly peed himself laughing when Jett's face literally went green after mixing the two liquids and drinking it.

"Oh god, that was horrendous." Jett complained after sitting back down. But it didn't last long, because he was back to his perky self. He set his now empty beer bottle down in the middle of their circle and spun. Kendall held his breath, then nearly choked because it landed on James. "Okay, James! Truth or dare?"

If looks could kill, Jett would be a pile of ash right now judging from the look Kendall sent Jett. Jett just smiled innocently because it was the bottles fault, not his.

James gulped nervously. "U-Umm, I'll do...er, dare too."

Jett thought for a moment, then his face lit up with an idea. He whipped out his phone. "Okay I'm going to shamelessly use you for some revenge." He mumbled fiddling with his phone before holding it out to James. "I dare you to prank call this person and tell them that this is a courtesy call to inform the clientele that one of the employees has acquired some STD, you pick." He said with a wave of his hand.

James looked at him in confusion. "Why? Who is it?"

"That doesn't matter, I already set my number to be blocked and they'll say their name when they pick up."

"But-"

"You picked dare, now do it!" Jett hissed.

James eyed Jett but pressed the green button on the screen anyway, setting it on speaker too. It rang a few times before the person picked up. "This is Devon Scripting," a deep voice answered. James cleared his throat and put on his 'actor voice'.

"Hello Mr. Scripting. This is a courtesy call to all our most recent customers. Unfortunately one of our employees has acquired Genital Herpes. We will not release this person's identity for their own safety. We suggest going to see your doctor as soon as possible to prevent long term damage." James smiled at everyone once he finished and Devon started yelling.

"What the hell! I was told your whores were clean! Wh-"

"We are very sorry for the inconvenience, sir." James smirked. "Have a good day."

"WHAT! You have no right to tell me this and hang up! Tell-" James hung up, and a beat latter they were all screeching with laughter.

"Holy crap! Did you hear how high his voice went?" Logan said breathlessly, clutching at his stomach.

"Oh my god! Thank you so much, James! That was better than I expected." Jett smiled brightly taking his phone back.

"Who was that?" Kendall asked, crawling over to fling an arm around his shoulders. "You don't just scare the living shit out of someone for nothing."

Jett's smile turned slightly tighter. "He's an ex of mine. No big deal." Jett shrugged, looking away from Kendall. Kendall studied the side of Jett's face as the other blond nudged James and told him to spin.

Although Jett was happy, he seemed sad too. And Kendall couldn't understand completely why. After a few more spins and a few more drinks, it was Kendall's turn to spin. He set down his phone which he had been dared to tweet something rather crude to the fans from, then delete it immediately after, they'll see the aftermath of that tomorrow. He spun and it landed on Jett. "Okiedokie! Jett, truth or dare?"

"Meh, truth. I'm too tired to attempt a dare right now."

Kendall pretended to think, he knew exactly what he was going to ask. "How did you know to have James say that an employee had an STD and have your ex believe it?"

Jett's face darkened and he looked down. "I-"

"Don't lie to me, Jett. I know when you do." Kendall put in.

Jett scrubbed at his cheek in frustration and sighed. "I found out he was cheating on me when he got a call from an...escort company saying his check bounced."

Kendall took a sharp breath. "Jett…"

Jett smiled at Kendall, petting his head. "It was a long time ago, when I was sixteen. He was older and I was naive. He told me the first time I found out that it was just an escort company. The employees just were paid to be arm candy for big events. Of course I asked why he didn't want me, but he told me that the events were boring and usually held while I was in school. I believed him, until I ran across a receipt that said exactly what the escort had been paid to do." The blond spat out bitterly.

Kendall crawled into Jett's lap and hugged him tightly. "He's a dick." Kendall whispered.

Jett chuckled. "Yeah, I know." He patted Kendall's head, then pushed at his shoulders gently. "Come on, get off. I need to spin." Kendall complied and sat back down next to him. He spun and the game resumed.

Kendall has finally relaxed and started to actually enjoy the game without the fear of Jett or Eric daring something that could compromise his secret. Well, he had until Eric decided to shatter his happiness.

"Okay," Eric said, sitting up, "this is getting boring lets liven it up." He spun and it landed on Carlos. "Truth or dare, Carlos?"

"Er...dare."

Eric smirked, slightly evilly. "I dare you...to," he glanced at Jett, "suck a bruise on Jett's neck."

"What!?" Jett screeched as Carlos choked on his beer.

"I have to...what?"

Eric smirked at the death glare Jett was sending him. "You heard me. I would very much like to see you suck a hickey into my brothers neck. Or...are you not taking the dare?" Eric mock gasped. "The great I-will-never-back-down-from-a-dare Carlos is, gasp, backing down from a dare?" Now Carlos was glaring at him.

"Ass." Carlos muttered, before getting up. He walked over to where Jett was sitting and crouched down. The smaller boy hesitated, looking over at James then at Kendall. He seemed to gain some confidence after that, because he leaned forward to press his lips to the side of Jett's neck.

Kendall watched as Jett froze completely. He was pretty sure that the boy wasn't even breathing. Carlos licked over the spot he chose to leave the hickey, then opened his mouth and sucked on the skin. Kendall knew from experience that Jett's neck is a pretty sensitive area, and he watched as Jett tilted his head and bit at his lip.

Carlos continued to suck, rather harshly, on Jett's neck. Until finally, Jett couldn't take it any more and gave a broken moan. Carlos smirked against Jett's throat and backed off, giving the bruises a departing kiss. Jett was panting and flushed. He tilted his head away from Carlos, so the other boy wouldn't see how aroused he had gotten. Carlos chuckled and pet Jett's cheek, then went to sit back next to James. Kendall did a double take because the brunet was smirking.

Carlos' head was tilted toward the ground, but Kendall could have sworn there was a blush creeping up his neck. The Latino spun and it landed on Logan. "Truth or Dare, Logenator?"

"Ugh, dare."

"Okay I dare you to-"

"No." Logan cut in.

"But I didn't-"

"I don't care. No. Pick something different."

Carlos pouted but complied. "Fine. Just kiss Eric on the cheek, kill joy."

Logan rolled his eyes and leaned over to kiss Eric on the cheek. "I hate you." Logan said. "You had to start the gay stuff."

"More than half the room is gay Logan. It's what happens." Kendall put in, leaning over to kiss Erics other cheek. Just 'cause.

Logan spun and it landed on Kendall. "Okay smart-ass. Truth or dare?"

Kendall sat up, and smirked at Logan. He finished his beer and spoke, "Dare, mother fucker."

Logan's eyes glinted and said without hesitation, "Kiss James full on the mouth for three minutes, tongue and all."

Kendall bit the inside of his cheek to keep from letting his smirk falter. "Fine," he growled. He got up and plopped himself into James' lap and that is pretty much where is confidence ended. He gulped and looked up at James through his lashes, biting at his lips.

"We-" But his words were cut short. James titled Kendall's head up and gently pressed their lips together. Kendall stiffened and took a sharp breath because holy hell James was kissing him. Kendall's world faded to just the touch. James' lips on his, his hands pressed to his back, their thighs pressed together.

And Kendall forgot.

He forgot the others were in the room.

He forgot that James was with Carlos.

He forgot that his mother hated him.

He forgot that he's slept with more people than he can count.

He forgot that he was depressed and cut.

James pulled away and Kendall chased after his lips, connecting them again. This time it was more heated, held more passion. Kendall's hands moved to James neck, one thumb rubbing at James' neck and the other rubbing his cheek. James' hands were placed on Kendall's back and hip, pulling the blond closer and licked into his mouth.

They'd kissed for longer than the three minutes Logan had instructed, nibbling and sucking on the others lips and tongue. Until finally, they pulled away completely. Kendall kept his eyes closed, panting against James' cheek.

"Kendall." James whispered against his ear. The blond open his eyes and looked up at James. His hazel eyes sparkling, but guarded.

Then it all came rushing back. Where they were, who they were with, how broken he was, Carlos. All of it. And suddenly he couldn't breath.

His chest felt tight and his breathing quickened, the room began to spin. He needed to get out out. He needed to get away from James. He got up and bolted toward the door, nearly running into it as his vision blurred.

"Kendall!"

"What's going on?"

"Kendall! Wait! We need to talk!"

Kendall ignored them and ran. He couldn't take it anymore. Now that he had a taste. He knew just what he was missing. Kendall fell, he didn't know where. Just collapsed and sobbed. He felt like he was going to throw up. The room was spinning, he couldn't breath and he couldn't see through his tears. But now he finally knew. That one kiss made everything better, but then it made everything a hundred times worse. He knew now that James could be the only one to save him. James was the only one that could bring him out of his darkness.

And he just ruined any chance he had.

That's when he blacked out.


	13. Chapter 13

Kendall woke up with a groan. His head was pounding and his mouth felt like cotton. He blinked his eyes open, then closed them at the harsh sunlight. He opened them slowly again. Looking around, he found himself in an alley. "What the hell?" He groaned. The blond slumped back against the brick wall. Flashes of the other night appeared behind his eyelids. "Fuck." He hissed.

He remembers running out of the apartment and blacking out for a little while, waking up when he heard someone coming and ran off to the closest club, then drank himself stupid. Kendall groaned again. His mouth tasted awful and his body ached. The blonde pushed a shaky hand through his hair and stared up at the sky. He didn't want to go back to the apartment. He knew he had to, but he just didn't want to. His friends where just going to ask questions that he didn't want to answer.

Kendall sat up suddenly, thinking he heard something. The blond strained his ears. "Mmm-" was heard softly. Kendall's heart picked up. Was it one of the others? Well, no. That was stupid. He didn't even know where he was. It was probably some disgusting hobo that was going to rape him in his weakened state. Well, he's been through worse.

Kendall pulled his knees to his chest as the sounds got closer and closer. Kendall closed his eyes, not wanting to see his soon-to-be attacker, when the sound stopped.

"Mmmeow?"

Kendall's eyes snapped open and laughed. There was a frail looking kitten sitting in front of him, looking at him curiously. The kitten was small, it could fit into Kendall's pocket easily, its eyes were big and a dark blue that contrasted with its dirty white fur. "Hello, little one." Kendall whispered, not wanting to scare the kitten away, "You gave me quite a scare."

The small animal just meowed again, walked closer, rubbing up against Kendall's side. "I bet you want some food." Kendall mused, picking up the small kitten and bringing it to his face. "You can't be more than a few weeks old! How have you survived so long?" The kitten leaned forward and licked his nose then nuzzled his wrist. "Yeah, I guess you could say the same about me." He chuckled. The kitten just blinked at him.

Kendall held the kitten to his chest and got up slowly, bones aching. "Oh my god, did I get into a bar fight?" The kitten meowed and stretched to lick his chin. Kendall giggled when it tickled. "Come on, little one. Let's get you something to eat."

The blond walked out of the alleyway and looked around. Conveniently, there was a convenience store right next to the alley. "Huh, cool." Kendall laughed. He looked down at the kitten. "Okay, lets hide you in my pocket and go get something to eat." He opened up the jacket he was wearing and put the kitten in the inside breast pocket.

He walked into the store and got some snacks for himself and a bottle of milk. He gave a relieved sigh when he found his wallet was still in his pants pocket. He was just handing over the right amount of money, when he felt the kitten squirm, then give off a muffled meow. The guy behind the counter looked at him weirdly. "Er...phone. That was my phone. Love cats!" Kendall chuckled nervously and handed the money over.

"Whatever, dude." The cashier said, handing him his change and his items.

Kendall walked out and took the kitten out of his pocket, cradling it to his chest. He found that he must have been walking home the other night, but crashed in an alleyway, because the park across from the apartments wasn't that far away. He found a bench and sat down with a sigh, setting the kitten on his lap and taking out the milk and poured some into its lid. He held it as the kitten lapped up the milk, petting its fur with his fingers.

When the milk got low, he refilled the milk and let the kitten drink its fill. He wondered if the others were looking for him, or if they had looked for him. He remembered that he had a phone, and used the hand not holding the lid full of milk to take it out. He had about twenty texts and five missed calls. Jett was about half the calls and Logan was most of the texts.

He sighed and called his voice-mail to listen to the missed calls. Pressing the numbers instructed by the system to get to them, while he put the lid back on the milk and the kitten curled up on his lap with a happy purr.

"Kendall! Where the hell did you go?" Yelled Jett's voice through the phone, "You need to come back and let the bastard explain something to you!"

Kendall scrunched his eyebrows in confusion, but deleted the message. The next one was from Logan and was pretty similar. What the hell did James need to explain? That he had felt nothing in that kiss? James didn't need to explain that to him, and shatter his already shattered heart into dust.

He got another from Jett and deleted that one without even listening to it. Next one was from Katie. He sent her a quick text, to tell her he was okay and trusted she wouldn't show it to the others. His next message was from Carlos.

"Hey, um, Kendall," His voice sounded thick and sad. "It's, like, one in the morning and you haven't called anyone." There was a pause and he thought the message had ended. "We really need to tell you something, Kenny." Carlos said, voice smaller than Kendall ever remembers it being. "It was an idea, that turned out to be stupid in the long run. James..." Carlos sighed. He imagined Carlos was running a hand over his face, "We'll see you when you get back, I guess."

Kendall swallowed. What could they possibly tell him? That he is an idiot? He knew that. But that kiss...fuck that kiss.

He honestly thought for a moment, that he could get over James, but he never really would have. He would have thought he was, trick himself into thinking that he no longer would jump off a cliff for him, make himself believe that James was just another boy, and he could find another. But he wouldn't have been happy with whoever he was with, James was just always going to be it for him.

And as depressing as that thought was, it made him smile a little. James meant so much to him, and it just made sense. The taller brunet was his best friend. Kendall dumped his dreams and his old life, just to help James achieve his dream. James was everything to him, and the kiss was everything and nothing at once. Everything in the way it made Kendall feel, and nothing in the way that he couldn't do anything to have it again.

Kendall sighed and stroked the kitten's head. Its head lifted and it yawned, stretching onto its side. He scrolled through his messages, stopping on the only thing from James he got that whole night.

"Pls come home."

Kendall's breath hitched. He locked the phone and stuffed it back into his pocket, whipping his hand over his eyes, trying to clear his suddenly blurry eyes. He pets the kitten in his lap and it blinks up at him. "Come on, little one." He murmured, voice thick. "Let's go home."


	14. Chapter 14

Kendall opened the apartment door slowly, peeking his head in to see if anyone was around. He opened the door wider when he saw no one was in the kitchen, living, and dining rooms. He took the little kitten out of his pocket, and smiled down at it. He headed to the kitchen and set the kitten on the counter, getting a bowl, filling it with water, and letting the kitten drink from it. He looked up when he heard a snore. James was lying on the sofa asleep.

Kendall gulped, taking the kitten and putting it on the ground, so it wouldn't jump off the counter and kill itself. He searched in the cabinets for something it could eat. Surprisingly, finding some kitten friendly cat food. "Why do we-? Right, Katie." Kendall chuckled with a head shake, remembering a prank she pulled on Carlos a while back. He got another bowl and filled it with the food. He placed it by the water and let the kitten eat.

He walked over to James slowly, watching as his chest rose and fell slowly. He sat on the table across from the sofa. Resting his elbows on his knees and resting his cheek in one hand, he just watched James sleep. Sometimes he wondered why he put himself through the pain of loving James, and moments like this reminding him why. Looking at James helped him remember all the good times when he was happy.

The sleep overs they had back in Minnesota, where he and Carlos made Logan and James laugh so hard they cried. Their first dance in middle school when they all went together and caused havoc for the chaperones. The times where it was just James and Kendall, gazing at stars in James' massive backyard, playing hockey in the street, making root beer floats in the kitchen, stealing liquor from James' mother.

Looking at James reminded him why he was still alive.

"He was worried sick, you know." A voice whispered from behind the couch.

Kendall jumped and looked up. Carlos was looking at him, his hip leaning against the back of the couch. Kendall smiled weakly, hands rubbing his thighs. "Yeah?"

Carlos nodded, "There is a lot you should probably know." He sighed, hand rubbing at his neck. "Can we talk in my room? He just fell asleep about an hour ago. He needs the rest."

Kendall hesitated, but nodded. He got up and bent down to swipe some hair from James' forehead. He bit his lip and straightened, walking with Carlos to his room. Carlos held the door open and let Kendall in, then closed the door.

"Where's Logan?"

"Still out looking for you, or was. Did you tell him you were coming back?" Kendall shook his head, "Then yeah, still out looking for you."

"Oh, I-I should-" Carlos cut him off.

"N-No! Um, not now. He'll just come barging back and wake James and I won't get to talk to you first." Kendall nodded and put his phone back into his pocket where he'd taken it out. Carlos started pacing. "Okay, okay. So we should have told you this, heck we shouldn't have even done it, but I was bored and James was desperate, and-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa...whoa!" Kendall couldn't help the laugh that escaped, "What are you talking about, man?"

"Er...James and...I aren't together."

Kendall immediately went in panic mode. "Oh my god, it's was because of the kiss wasn't it?" Kendall felt like he was going to throw up. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he was the reason. "No, Carlos. It was a dare, Carlos. It meant nothing." Kendall gulped the tastes those words brought to his mouth away.

Carlos looked at him steadily. It was so different from the normal Carlos demeanor, that it scared Kendall a little. "Did it really mean nothing, Kendall?" He asked, and Kendall breathed in sharply. "Because it looked like it meant the world to you. I was _there._ You looked the happiest you had been in months, and then it crumbled and you isn't the reaction to something that meant nothing, Kendall."

Kendall could feel his cheeks flush and his eyes grow wet, and he had to look away. "I'm sorry." He choked, fight leaving him completely.

Carlos was suddenly on him, smiling widely, taking Kendall's face in his hands. "No, Kendall, no. That's _wonderful_ "

Kendall gapped at Carlos in complete bewilderment. "W-What-I. What?"

"Kendall, Kendall!" Carlos said happily. "James and I were never _together_. We weren't-"

Kendall pushed Carlos away, heart picking up in speed. "What are talking about, Carlos?"

Carlos grew nervous. "James and I-uh-came up with this idea, right?"

"Car _los._ " He hissed. " _What are you talking about?_ "

"W-We weren't actually dating. We came up with this idea to help each other. James...and I…" Carlos took a deep breath and Kendall felt sick. "James was terrified of coming out, me too. We didn't know how it would affect you and Logan and Mama Knight and Kaite, so we decided to do it together."

"Why as a couple, though? Why did you come out as a _couple, Carlos_ " Kendall felt desperate for a different answer, for it not to be what he thinks it is.

"I thought it would benefit us, because…"

Kendall was tired of Carlos beating around the bush, "Fucking spit it out, damn it!" He yelled.

"I thought it would make you and Jett jealous!" Carlos blurted. "Kendall, James is so in love with you and he didn't know how to handle it. So I can up with the coming out as a couple plan to get you to notice him."

Before Kendall really knew what he was doing, he had punched Carlos square in the jaw. "The whole time, _the whole fucking time_ , you two weren't really together?" He screamed. "The whole time I sat next to you two and watched you go at it like rabbits, it was just to get me _jealous_. Do you have any idea how much pain I was going through while you and James _acted_?"

Carlos stared at Kendall, holding his hurt jaw, "I-"

"I was in love with James for two-years before you two came out. And I kept quiet with my feelings because I thought he was straight, I could get over a straight man! But he came out with you, saying you'd been in a secret relationship. Do you have any idea how that felt? I was shattered, because James in the end didn't want me, he wanted you. I didn't even get a chance to fight for him, Carlos. You don't understand, Carlos. I _lost_ myself. I whored around and I drank. The fact that you guys were just _pretending_ , is like the icing on the fucking disaster of a cake. Because even though it wasn't real between you two, _you still hadn't noticed_."

"Kenny?" Came a small voice from Carlos' bedroom door. It was then Kendall realized he had screamed the whole time. "Oh my God, oh my _God_ , _Kendall._ I'm so sorry, fuck, I let that happen, I did that to you. Kenny, Kendall, oh my god."

Kendall watched as James caved in on himself, and he realized that what he'd screamed at Carlos didn't really apply to James. Suddenly everything else Carlos said registered, and James _loved him_. Kendall stepped up to James and forced James to look at him, James' eyes red-rimmed and wet. "But _you_ ended up noticing James." He whispered.

James choked on his sobs, shaking his head. "No, no, you had t-to t-ell u-s" He managed.

Kendall shook his head. "You noticed, James. You did. You found out what my mother was doing and kicked her out. You helped me, and in the end, I'm so much healthier, happier." Kendall pressed their heads together, taking a huge breath and pulling back. Kendall shrugged off his coat, then looked at James. The brunet was looking at him curiously, tears still sliding down his face.

Kendall gave him a watery smile and proceeded to take off the bracelets that hid the scars and bandages. James watched with growing confusion, until his eyes slid down to Kendall's wrists. Kendall knew he could see the old and fading scars on his wrists, and he could also see the new angry red ones he put their yesterday. Had it really only been yesterday?

He was startled out of his thoughts, when James let out a strangled cry of anguish and fell to his knees. Kendall gasped in shock at James reaction, watching as James began to crumble, mumbling nonsense to himself. "I did that. I caused this. Im so sorry. I love you so much, but I've caused you so much _pain_. I'm sorry, oh god, oh god, _oh god_." James gasped through sobs, grabbing at his hair and rocking. "I can't breathe, oh god. I did that. _I caused that._ " He wailed brokenly.

Kendall was completely in shock. He knew it would get a reaction, but he hadn't thought it would be to this extent. He hadn't wanted to hurt James by showing him. He'd wanted to show him how much better he was. Kendall slowly crouched down next to James, moving to try and stop James from pulling on his precious hair. "Jamie, Jamie, you don't understand." Kendall cooed softly. Kendall pushed his hand between the brunets cheek and his hand, wiping away so of the tears. "Baby, this wasn't your fault. It wasn't because of you. If anything, it's my parents and mine, _never_ yours. I shouldn't have kept all the pain I was feeling bottled up. I should have talked to someone, you, Carlos, Logan, anyone, and this could all have been avoided."

James, sobs had quieted as he listened to Kendall, but tears still fell from his red eyes. "But Jamie, that's not why I was showing you my scars. I-I did cut yesterday, before the get together thing, but it was from stress, not pain. That doesn't make what I did any better," He said quickly, not wanting to sound like he was excusing it, "I should have talked to someone about it, but it's such an improvement James. I didn't cut because of pain, because I'm not in pain, I can handle it better now. I'm still working on it, but I'm so much better now James. And that _is because of you_."

Kendall rested his forehead against James'. "All because of you. Logan realized he shouldn't ignore his friends in favor of his girlfriend, Carlos learned to be more confident and perspective when you two started um…"

"Our fake relationship?" James chuckled, whipping at his eyes.

Kendall smiled softly. "I'm not mad at you for that James. Yeah, there was a lot of bad that happened, but it led to good too. Your relationship with Carlos didn't push me to the edge James, yeah it would maybe have helped prolong it if you hadn't been with Carlos, but ultimately it was my own messed up thinking." The blonde pushed hair from James' eyes, and smiled gently.

"I'm so much better than I had been, James, mentally and physically. You have to understand that it is because of you, and Carlos, and Logan, Jett, Eric, Katie, all of you. All of you help me push my way out of the dark pit I had fallen in, but all of that was because _you_ noticed I was in it, then did something about it."

James sobbed, but it wasn't that heart-broken sob of earlier, it was from relief. "I love you, Kendall. So much. I love you, so much."

Kendall let a sob of his own escape, then surged forward to connect their lips together. He'd wanted this for so long, and yeah this wasn't exactly how he thought this would go, but James loved him, had loved him. James had been in love with Kendall just about as long as Kendall had been in love with James. That fact alone was amazing.

What James and Carlos ended up doing about it was stupid and not thought out very well, but Kendall couldn't blame them. He had done the some stupid shit to avoid talking about it. That's what it came down to really, no one wanted to talk about what they felt.

"I'm sorry, James. I love you and I'm sorry." James shook his head, kissing all over his face.

"I'm sorry too. I love you so much. We still have shit to get over and talk about, but," James pulled back, wiping Kendall's tears from his cheeks, "will you be my boyfriend?"

Kendall choked out a laugh. "What? No date first? You're moving kinda fast Diamond."

James smiled. "I've wasted so much time already. I just want to be yours and you to be mine. So, will you?"

Kendall choked on a suppressed sob of relief. "Yes, fuck, yes, yes, yes." Kendall breathed, between heated kisses.

"You're acting like he asked you to marry him, Kendall, jesus." Carlos said, breaking the moment with an amused huff.

Kendall turned slowly, getting up and pushing him out the door. "Get out." Kendall smiled sweetly, before slamming the door in his face. He heard James chuckle behind him and smiled, turning around to walk toward him.

"That was kind of rude." James chuckled, getting up from the floor.

Kendall shrugged, "He deserves a little rudeness." The blond grabbed the older boys hand and lead him to James' bed. "You and Carlos were stupid. You caused us all more pain than good, but I'm giving you a break considering you just had a panic attack on the floor and you just asked me to be your boyfriend." He smiled.

James sighed and sat down next to Kendall. "But you shouldn't. I deserve every bit of rudeness you throw. Carlos didn't go about the plan alone."

"Who asked to end it?"

James blinked. "It-what?"

"Who asked to end it first." Kendall asked, tilting his head a little and raising a brow.

"Um, me- but that-"

"No," Kendall stopped him, "James that says more than you think." He stopped and looked at James, scudding his face. "What you and Carlos did was messed up, let me finish! Before you go into self-pity mode." He chuckled. James laughed, but nodded for him to continue. "But it's understandable."

James eyes snapped to Kendall's in confusion. "...what?"

Kendall shrugged and ran a hand through his hair. "Like, okay. It was terrible, but I get it. We didn't grow up in the most accepting city, James. Hell, the state for that matter. I was terrified to come out there, and I knew I was gay since middle school. Then when we came here, everyone was more open and I felt okay to do it. It still scared the shit out of me, though. You and Carlos found out together and came out together. I would have loved to have that kind of support when I was thinking of coming out. I was afraid you guys would think I had been, like, peeping on you in the locker rooms, or something. Coming out with someone I said was my boyfriend would ease that suspension, you know? So, like, in the long run? I get why you did it, it just shouldn't have gone on for so long. And...I forgive you."

James kissed him. Pulling him closer by his neck and kissing him deeply. "I don't know why, I can't even forgive myself, but thank you. I love you."

"I've been mad at you guys for so long, hidden and lost. I'm tired of it. You helped me pull myself out of a place I shouldn't have allowed myself to go. I wasn't ready or fit to be in a relationship like I wanted with you, now I am." He laughed, voice thick with tears. "Now I am and so are you. And everything happens for a fucking reason." He laughed, smiling at James. "I love you." He shrugged, brushing a hand over his eyes.

James rested their foreheads together, taking shaky breaths to calm himself down. "I love you, too. I will be making up for what I did for the rest of my life and I will never stop loving you." James breathed, pulling Kendall to him in a kiss.

They kissed each other desperately, both wanting nothing more to feel the other. Kendall has waited so long to feel completely happy, to have James like this. In his arms and wanting _him._ He pulled back, looking up at James and smiling shyly, brushing some hair out of James' face. He pushed James back on the bed and straddled his waist. Sliding his hands down James' neck and chest to the hem of his shirt, and pushed it up.

"Wait." James said. Kendall shook his head, but James stopped him. "Are you sure? Becuase-"

"Shh, no." Kendall said, sitting up and taking his shirt off. "I'm sure. We need this, James. I need this. I've waited literally, my whole life for this. My whole life." He said, poking James' now shirtless torso. James rolled his eyes. "I am going to ride you, because-" And Kendall smiled, because this was the most ridiculous thing, but it made sense to him, "because I finally feel in control of my life, so I'm going to control our first sexual encounter, by riding you into the sunset." He said, dropping his voice and batting his eyes.

James barked out a laugh, then another, until he was completely doubled over with laughter. Kendall laughed too. "That was the most cheesiest thing. Did you get that for a bad porno, or something?"

Kendall bit his lip. "Maybe." He giggled.

James rolled his eyes again, but nodded. He reached up and pulled Kendall forward by his jeans. "Now shut up and take off your pants." Kendall laughed as he was pulled forward. He framed James face with his hands and pulled into a kiss, smiling into it.

The kisses quickly turn heated and before Kendall knows it they're both naked and Kendall has one of his own fingers teasing at his hole. He takes a deep breath and slowly inserts his finger, working it in until he can move it fairly easily. "James." Kendall moans.

James has a hand wrapped around Kendall's cock, stroking slowly to help with the pain. "You're beautiful." He whispers, kissing along Kendall's neck.

Kendall feels like crying. It's been so long since someone was sweet to him during sex. He adds another finger and crooks it, trying to find his prostate. "I can't wait for you to be inside me, Jamie. Fuck, I need you to fuck me."

James gasped, his own neglected dick throbbing against his stomach. Kendall fucked into James' hand, he could feel the head brush against James' and it was making him mad with want. The last finger was added and Kendall sat up, placing his free hand on James' muscled chest to steady himself. "C-Condom." Kendall panted, finger scissoring and pushing deeper.

James nodded and reached for the condoms he knew was in the dresser, getting one out and putting it on. Kendall pulled his fingers out with a sigh and grabbed the lube again, pouring some into his hand and taking James' cock. He stroked it slowly, making sure to cover it in lube and bring James to full length. "I'm going to ride you so good, James. I've wanted this for so long."

James moaned, "Same, Kendall. Come on, please. No more waiting."

Kendall smirked, positioning himself over James, "Patients my friend." He said, then slowly sunk down on James' cock. "Fuck, you're big."

James smirked. "Thank you."

Kendall glared at him. "Don't be cocKY OH YES!" He yelled, voice breaking as James thrust up into him. "Bastard."

"That's Cocky Bastard, to you." James chuckled.

Kendall pushed at James' shoulder, forcing him to lay completely down. He rolled his hips in little circles, creating just the tiniest amount of friction. "I'll show you cocky." He hummed, nibbling at James' ear. He felt so powerful, above James. He was able to make James moan and gasp, he controlled when James could come. It was overwhelming. Having James inside him, below him, around him, was insane. He wanted for so long, and he finally felt like himself again.

Kendall picked himself up and, feeling the side of James' dick as he moved, then thrusting back down hard, gasping at the feeling. He thrust down harder and faster with each thrust, not caring to go slow. This is what he wanted, how he wanted to do it, he was in control.

"Kendall-fuck-you're so hot. Bouncing so perfectly, yes!" James babbled, taking in the body above him. The blond was covered in sweat, glowing in the faint light of the bedroom. His strong thighs flexed as he worked them. His cock flushed, red and dripping with pre-cum that made his mouth water. His blond mop of hair was falling into his eyes with every bounce. Kendall's head flew back and a deep moan escaped his throat, and James could tell he'd hit his prostate.

James planted his feet on the mattress, making the angle so much better and Kendall panted out his approval. "Just like that, yes. I'm so close James. Fill me so good, fuck yes!" Kendall moaned. Moving one hand behind him, Kendall used James' knee to brace himself as he continued to fuck down on James' dick, then wrapped the other around his own and jerking. "Come for me, James. I want to feel your warmth inside me." He gasped.

James moaned, watching as Kendall pleasured himself on his dick. The sound of skin slapping skin, and the wet sound of Kendall's hand on his dick, stroking to the time of his trusts, then the gasps and moans, it was becoming too much. The fact that it was _Kendall_ riding his dick, surrounding him, squeezing at him, just put him over the edge.

He let out a loud moan and came into the condom. James watched in a daze as Kendall's, movements became faster, and his mouth fell open with a scream, releasing over his hand and James' stomach.

They both gasped for breath as the came down, smiling happily at each other. Kendall got up and let James' dick slide from his sore hole with a hiss, and James took care of the condom. "I...I haven't had a fuck like that his ages." Kendall panted, flopping on his back and letting James clean the rest up.

"I would hope so, considering." James chuckled, lying back down next to Kendall and pulling him to his chest.

"No, like. I haven't done something like that. I don't...I didn't take control. And you, you gave that back to me."

James kissed the side of Kendall's head. "You did it for yourself, Kenny. I was just provided the dick." He smirked.

Kendall laughed trying to smack James, but he caught it. He jerked Kendall forward and kissed him, before rolling on top of him and proceeded to tickle him. Kendall squealed with laughter and squirmed away. He quickly got up and wrapped the blankets around himself, "I will not be treated like this!" He huffed, face breaking into a smile when James tried to reach for him, but fell off the bed.

"Oh you're cute butt is getting it." James growled playfully, grabbing boxers and putting them on, giving the blond just enough time to run out of the room. But not before Kendall wiggled his 'cute butt' at the door way.

Kendall ran to the living room to see Carlos playing with the kitten he'd found. "When did we get a cat?"

Kendall was about to answer, but James picked him up, before he could. Spinning in a circle before setting Kendall down to kiss his lips.

"Bleh sickening."

"I'm still mad at you Carlos, the least you can do is put up with this." Carlos' smiled dropped and he felt James pull away slightly. "Wait, ugh. I'm sorry too soon."

"No, you're right. I kept you away from your happiness. I deserve it." Carlos said, looking down at the kitten. James placed a kiss to his neck and he turned to look at the eyes he's in love with.

"I do forgive you both, but I can't...trust you completely, yet. And it hurts me to say that, because I get why you did it and that's why I forgive you, but you broke my trust." Kendall whispered, threading his hands with James' over his hips. "I love you, so much James. And I love you Carlos, but it's going to take some work to get me to trust you like I did again." He admitted. He hated it, but what they did still hurt him and he had trusted them. He meant everything he said before, he forgives James and he loves James, but the trust that all of them had is gone. But they'll get it back. They were finally on the same page. Everyone was talking the way they should have in the first place. He just knew they all could fix it.

He saw Carlos wipe at his eyes, "Yeah, I can do that." He whispered.

James kissed his neck again until he reached his lips, "I love you and I will do anything for you." He promised.

Carlos stood up and cleared his throat. "But seriously, what with the cat." He said holding it out. It tilted it head at Kendall and meowed.

That's when Logan, finally walked through the door. He paused half way in to take in the site before him. James in nothing, but boxers, Kendall with just a sheet wrapped around him, and Carlos holding out a kitten. He slowly closed the door behind him. "I am choosing not to scar myself for life, so I don't want to know."

Kendall laughed loudly, leaning back into James and soaking in his warmth. "Wait…" He turned sharply to Carlos, nearly dropping his makeshift toga. "What did you mean James _and Jett_!?"

James coughed, Carlos paled then went red, trying to hide behind the kitten, and Logan said, "Right, I'm going to bed."

Maybe they were all finally on the same page, but they still had some kinks to work out.

**Epilogue**

"Honeyyyyy, I'm homeeee!" Jett sang, slamming the apartment door open.

"No, leave, I don't like you." Kendall said automatically, while putting down a bowl of Mac & Cheese for dinner.

"Well, I wasn't talking to you anyway, Kendork, so meh." Jett snarked, sticking his tongue out.

Eric walked in after Jett, pushing the younger boy out of his way, rolling his eyes. "Move, dipshit."

"Rude." Jett sputtered. Eric just smirked at him.

"See what you started Kendall." James said, walking up behind the shorter boy. "Carlos went to get soda, Jett. He'll be back later."

"Okay, so-"

"Where's my baby?" Eric interrupted.

"RUDE!" Jett repeated. Eric stuck up his middle finger.

"Right here." Logan said coming into the room.

"Baby!" Eric squealed rather uncharacteristically and ran to scoop the cat out of Logan's arms. "Did you miss daddy? I missed you…" He cooed, babbling on in unrecognizable baby talk.

"I swear, that cat is the love of his life." Jett mumbled.

"I feel this should be an insult to me, considering I was an ex-love." Kendall commented, stuffing plates in Jetts hand and instructed him to set the table.

"Nah, you make up for it by being the love of my life." James smiled, taking Kendall's hand. He twirled the blond around and dipped him, before kissing him. Kendall felt like he was going to burst with all the joy and love coursing through him.

"Bleh, sickening." Carlos gagged, walking through the still open door. "Why was the door open?"

"Care-bear!" Jett cheered, rushing over to take the bags away from him. He then dumped the unceremoniously on the counter. "You must save me from all the people don't appreciate my presence."

"Who says I appreciate it?"

"Care-bear!" Jett gasped, "You are my boyfriend! This is what boyfriends are here for!"

"Hmm? I thought having a boyfriend was to help me let off most of my energy on said boyfriends-" Carlos was cut off by Jetts hand slapping over his mouth.

"THAT'S enough of that!" Jett rushed, turning beet red.

Carlos pride Jett's hand off him and smiled, reaching up on his tip-toes to kiss Jett's nose. "Love you."

Kendall watched Jett's whole face softened into something completely fond and totally in love. "Yeah, same."

"OKAY! That is enough of this. I am not subjecting myself to this torture when my girlfriend is an ocean away for a movie shoot. That is quiet enough of the couples bickering, thank you very much." Logan interrupted loudly. "Kendall, you sister called and said her and your mother are having a wonderful time at the resort and the therapy is really helping."

Kendall smiled, nodding in thanks. About two months after he and James became official, his mom showed up at the door. She said that she'd seen a doctor and had got help and James kicking her out was what she needed. Their relationship is still rocky and Kendall struggled with trusting her, but it's better than it has been for a while. Her and Katie went to a mother daughter retreat to work on their own relationship and get more therapy for their mother.

Everything has been going really good, actually. He hasn't cut in six months. Everytime he feels the need, he goes to James or one of the other boys to talk it through. He's also gained all the weight he lost when he wasn't eating, they named the kitten Audi and Eric fell in love with her.

Eric and Jett come over to the apartment almost every day, and at first James was a little territorial of Kendall whenever Eric got too comfortable for James comfort. Kendall thought it was the funnest and teased James about it mercilessly. Half because it embarrassed James and half because he got some amazing jealousy sex out of it.

And that was pretty much all that's changed. They all agreed to talk to each other, when they need help with an issue or was feeling left or whatever. It was like an unofficial pack that they wouldn't let things get that bad ever again. Once they started, they realized they were all idiots. To think they could deal with what they went through without each other, was completely stupid and could have been avoided. That didn't make the issues they had any less painful or serious, but it would have been easier to cope with help.

"What you thinking?" James whispered into his ear, jolting him out of his thoughts.

He smiled, moving to nuzzle James' neck. "How far we've come."

"It's amazing isn't it." James breathed, brushing his hand through Kendall's hair.

"If you told me seven months ago that I would be happy, clean, and with you, I would have probably punched you in the face and drank myself into sleeping with the closest warm body."

James' grip tightened around his waist. James still blamed himself for things that happened with Kendall. It would take longer to fix something than others, but all Kendall could do was remind him that it wasn't. "I love you." He whispered into James' ear. "My scars are healing and fading. We aren't lie and deceiving. We are okay, James. Stronger than ever and we keep growing in that strength." The others boy's grip slowly untightened, tipping his head down to catch Kendall's lips in a slow, tender kiss.

"I'm starrrrving!" Carlos whined.

"Babe you had a corndog like an hour ago." Jett huffed, "In the middle of sex to." He grumbled after as an after thought.

"Don't act like you didn't like it."

"Welp, you can give my portion to Carlos, because I just lost my appetite after learning that very unneeded and unwanted knowledge of my best friend sexual kinks." Logan snipped.

"Says the one that likes to watch their girlfriend have sex with someone else." Eric smirked. Logan gapped, slowly turning red.

"I said to never speak of that." He hissed.

Everyone lost it, as Eric winked at Logan and the other boy could do nothing but stutter. James beamed at Kendall happily, kissing his forehead before grabbing the fries and taking them to the table. Kendall stood back with the chicken nuggets and looked at group around his table. His four best friends, who fought for him when he thought no one would want to waste their time with him, the enemy who was there when no one else was, and the one-night stand that turned into a life long friend. This was his new family. Everyone has changed so much, but at the same time not at all. They salvage what they thought was broken and came out stronger.

He feels happy.

He feels loved.

He feels whole.

But most of all, he no longer in drowning in self-loathing.

"Kendall, come on! I want my nuggets." Carlos yelled.

"Jett control your boyfriend. His screams are giving me a headache."

"Hangovers are not caused by my lovely care-bears yelling." Jett snarked.

"What did I tell you about drinking and not properly hydrating." Logan sighed.

"I wasn't drinking! I didn't even leave your bed yesterday!" Eric pouted, stroking Audi's head.

"I lied, Logan's the love of his life."

Logan's head made contact with the table. "Kill me now."

"Oh no! Death could not stop us from getting what we want. We'd just ask Camille." James laughed.

Logan glared at Eric. "This is your fault." He just beamed at him cheerily.

Kendall shook his head and placed the nuggets on the table. "This is such great dinner talk, guys. So normal."

"You wouldn't have it any other way though." James said confidently, as Kendall sat next to him, taking his hand and kissing it.

"Yeah." He said softly, looking around one more time. "Wouldn't change it for the world."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


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